Do you ever have the feeling that you life isn't RIGHT? That you've going through the motions of living, but you're really not. That this isn't where you're supposed to be and this isn't what you're supposed to be doing. That's me, for most of my life.
The problem is, I don't know what I want to do or what I'm supposed to be. I just know that now is wrong.
Part of the problem started when I was very small. I was never able to express to people what I wanted to be doing, so I'd do what I was told. Also, when I did know what I wanted to do, I wouldn't stand up for it. One thing I remember in particular was that I wanted to be a Brownie. My friends were Brownies. My mother made me join Bluebirds, instead, because my sister could join, too. She wasn't old enough to join the Brownies. Mom got super-involved in Bluebirds/Camp Fire Girls. It became more about her than what I (or maybe my sister) wanted. I wanted to quit long before I was allowed to do so. I just kept going to keep the peace and it felt then like I do now - just playing along.
I think I got to a point where what I wanted to do didn't matter, so why try to figure it out. I'd just be disappointed. I even took this same mindset to college. I really didn't want to go, but since I didn't know what else to do and it was expected that I'd want to attend college, I went. I picked music because that was what I had been doing. The problem was, I knew this wasn't going to be a career. I wasn't that good at playing to make it professionally, nor did I really want to. So, I got a teaching degree. I made an excellent teacher's assistant. The year I spent doing that was awesome. I loved helping the teacher, giving private assistance to struggling students, taking care of the mundane bullshit so the teacher could actually teach. The bad thing was it didn't pay a whole lot (couldn't have supported myself on it) and then schools started tightening their belts. The next year I tried being an actual teacher and realized I was in a place I didn't want to be. Several separate instances occurred that made me realize I needed to quit, so I did. It was the first time in my life I ever did something that was right for ME. Problem was (and still is), I didn't know what I really wanted to do.
I thought I was close when I got my graphic design degree. I loved school and the whole creative process there. Too bad that doesn't carry over to a work environment. Doing design for other people sucks. They take your initial great idea and change it to a point that you're no longer proud of or want your name associated with it. Maybe I could do it if I could find someone willing to pay the salaries that they used to, but these days the job pays peanuts. Now I'm stuck in a prepress job that I hate. It pays more than the design work did, but not as much as I want to make. The job pretty much has no future. If I stuck it out a few more years, I may make another $5 an hour, but I honestly don't see the company lifting its raise freeze any time soon. Plus, with more magazines going digital and lots of companies looking to cut their costs, the print industry is going to undergo major changes, too. Since our company resists change, I'll be surprised if they stay in business.
The little voice in my head keeps nagging me to figure out what I want to be. I hope I do it soon.
The problem is, I don't know what I want to do or what I'm supposed to be. I just know that now is wrong.
Part of the problem started when I was very small. I was never able to express to people what I wanted to be doing, so I'd do what I was told. Also, when I did know what I wanted to do, I wouldn't stand up for it. One thing I remember in particular was that I wanted to be a Brownie. My friends were Brownies. My mother made me join Bluebirds, instead, because my sister could join, too. She wasn't old enough to join the Brownies. Mom got super-involved in Bluebirds/Camp Fire Girls. It became more about her than what I (or maybe my sister) wanted. I wanted to quit long before I was allowed to do so. I just kept going to keep the peace and it felt then like I do now - just playing along.
I think I got to a point where what I wanted to do didn't matter, so why try to figure it out. I'd just be disappointed. I even took this same mindset to college. I really didn't want to go, but since I didn't know what else to do and it was expected that I'd want to attend college, I went. I picked music because that was what I had been doing. The problem was, I knew this wasn't going to be a career. I wasn't that good at playing to make it professionally, nor did I really want to. So, I got a teaching degree. I made an excellent teacher's assistant. The year I spent doing that was awesome. I loved helping the teacher, giving private assistance to struggling students, taking care of the mundane bullshit so the teacher could actually teach. The bad thing was it didn't pay a whole lot (couldn't have supported myself on it) and then schools started tightening their belts. The next year I tried being an actual teacher and realized I was in a place I didn't want to be. Several separate instances occurred that made me realize I needed to quit, so I did. It was the first time in my life I ever did something that was right for ME. Problem was (and still is), I didn't know what I really wanted to do.
I thought I was close when I got my graphic design degree. I loved school and the whole creative process there. Too bad that doesn't carry over to a work environment. Doing design for other people sucks. They take your initial great idea and change it to a point that you're no longer proud of or want your name associated with it. Maybe I could do it if I could find someone willing to pay the salaries that they used to, but these days the job pays peanuts. Now I'm stuck in a prepress job that I hate. It pays more than the design work did, but not as much as I want to make. The job pretty much has no future. If I stuck it out a few more years, I may make another $5 an hour, but I honestly don't see the company lifting its raise freeze any time soon. Plus, with more magazines going digital and lots of companies looking to cut their costs, the print industry is going to undergo major changes, too. Since our company resists change, I'll be surprised if they stay in business.
The little voice in my head keeps nagging me to figure out what I want to be. I hope I do it soon.
Name: LaDonna
