Domestic Geek

It's so weird when you're coming out of a depression period. You know you were depressed, but you didn't realize how bad until you look back at things that happened during that time. I think I've been in a serious, deep one for about 2 and a half years (it started when they put on on these damned 12-13 hour shifts at work).

It amazes me how long I have been in this funk. The evidence is popping up all over. I wrote on Twitter the other day that I was finding receipts on my desk that were over a year old. I was putting up Christmas lights outside yesterday and the big wreath for the side of the house was still behind the rocking chair in the living room where I left it after taking it down last year. I hadn't cleaned the tub/shower in the back bathroom in about as long. It had horrible soap scum/mildew built up. I was starting to smell it while I was watching television.

I don't think I've actually finished a knitting project in quite a while. It's really odd for me to not want to do anything creative. I think I actually got more joy out of continually ripping knitting back than actually progressing.

I know I haven't been particularly pleasant to be around, either. I've had a serious defeatist attitude. The slightest thing set me off to make me angry, especially when it was things of which I had no control. It's really hard for me to see any good around me when I get like that.

I don't know what has brought me out this time. Maybe a combination of things. I've been eating only real, natural food for a while. I tried eating one of my previous prepacked faves, Stouffers Mac and Cheese, the other day and it actually made me physically ill. I drove to New Mexico at the end of October to visit with my old college pal. It felt so good to see her — I missed her so much. I have hope that I will actually find a new job in the new year. Companies are starting to hire creative professionals again. I decided it was time to stop putting off the things I've always wanted to do and those acts have contributed to my mental health. I also decided to stop trying to fight what I can't change. The situation at work will never change, so I have to find other work. I'm tired of having to work holidays and never spend quality time with Marcus (other than on vacation). I don't want us to grow apart because we never, ever see each other.

So, now the hard part begins...cleaning up the messes I've made for myself. Not just housecleaning messes (man, but there are plenty of those), but others messes, too. Financial messes, physical messes, emotional messes. It'll take time and work, but they can be cleaned up and I will be better at the end because of them.

I'm feeling really positive about where my life is going in 2011 and beyond. Maybe I'll even have a desire to focus on this poor, neglected blog again.

Between work and being sick, my NaBloPoMo effort for November 2010 is over. Oh, well, maybe next year.

I got an unexpected 5 day break from work. My friend hosted a Christmas knitting party at her house on Saturday, so I switched with a guy at work (I worked Wednesday, he covered my Saturday) so I could attend. We're also abnormally slow at work for November, so late Saturday night I got the call that I didn't have to work on Sunday. Add in my normal days off of Monday-Wednesday and that's 5 days off. I really hope this extended break helps me kick the crud in my lungs. There are so many different germs floating around at work that I'm positive that I've had more than one sickness over the last month. I did sleep a good portion of yesterday. I was up for a few hours, then I was freezing, so I slipped into bed to warm up and woke up several hours later. I thought for sure I wouldn't be able to sleep at a decent hour after that, but I went to sleep fairly early. I'm feeling almost normal today. Still hacking stuff up from the lungs, but much better than I've been. So, we'll see...

The knitting party was a blast. The hostess served potato leek soup, cornbread and sangria. I brought a cheesecake (made with all organic ingredients except the topping) and another guest brought key lime pie (I had never had any). We all worked on Christmas gifts we're knitting, ate and drank. So much fun and just what I needed since I haven't been able to attend any knitting groups lately. Wish I could host one, but I just don't have the seating to have that many people over.

I managed to stab my left hand last night while making guacamole. I was trying to get the pit out and the knife slipped. No more using the knife to get the pit out - I'll have to stick to the spoon. Had to wrap my hand in plastic so I could take a shower. I'm such a klutz.

One thing I realized while watched Hoarders over the last couple of days is I probably have some form of an anxiety disorder. It hasn't manifested as hoarding (yet), but I can definitely relate to a lot of what those people go through. It would certainly explain a lot of the irrational responses to stress triggers I've had over the years.

One thing I have noticed is that switching to a more natural diet has had a great affect on my mental state. Too much refined sugar definitely affects me negatively. Not eating enough causes me to have breakdowns.

Then there is that pesky perfectionism and claustrophobia. Is it any wonder that sometimes I've been such a mess?

The good news is now that I'm more aware of what my problems are, I'm becoming better equipped to deal with them. Admitting you have a problem is always the first step, right?

I'm watching A&E's Hoarders show on Netflix right now. I've seen many tweets and Facebook posts by friends that watch these shows saying they feel like cleaning after watching. I totally feel that way at the moment. It also disturbs me on another level.

I could easily become on of these people. One of the psychotherapists mentioned that hoarding is hereditary. Both my grandmother and my mother were hoarders. It seems that a lot of these people had a big trigger that started the hoarding. I did start hoarding to some extent after my mother passed. I was always trying to fill the void by buying stuff I know I didn't need. I couldn't let some things go that were obviously crap because they had either belonged to my mother or had some memory attached. I would bring home broken stuff from people's trash that I found while out delivering pizzas. I thought I was being thrifty and saving something from a landfill, but I see now that it was not the case at all. Most recently, I started doing it with yarn. I think I finally snapped out of it and I'm better now and am actually purging stuff, but a major life crisis could easily trigger something again.

First off:




Speaking of holidays, apparently my neighbors can't wait for Christmas. Yes, once again they were busy while I was at work and as I turned onto our street I see that their damned outdoor Christmas decorations are up. I can understand wanting to get the lights on the house while the weather is still warm, but the plastic angels and Santas can wait until after Thanksgiving. Seriously. I want to enjoy Fall and Thanksgiving first, you morons, thankyouverymuch. Sadly, they aren't the only ones. A couple of houses down actually have their lights on. Geez, making me sound like Scrooge here, but one. holiday at. a. time. The season would mean so much more if we'd limit our exposure to it. Same goes for elections. I think campagin season should start 6 weeks before the election. That's it.

That said, tomorrow I'm going to dig out my FALL decorations. Scarecrows, pumpkins and turkeys are all that will decorate this house until December.