Domestic Geek

I hate how depression messes with you. You don't realize how bad things have been until you are in are in one of your better moments and look back at the events of the last 6 months and realize you've only done just enough to cope and get by. The insomnia, the inability to do anything creative, the despair, the anger, the procrastination, the isolation - all depression's fault. I always suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder in the winter, but I think this year was particularly bad for me. I'm sure part of that had to do with moving to this apartment complex plus having that new chick in my office at work.

It's probably a good thing we got a dog and I had someone that I had to take care of or I probably would have sunken further.

I'm sitting here surveying the damage. I think I've only cleaned the apartment once since we moved in. My few possessions I have here are totally disorganized. That dinky kitchen is a disaster area. I have only completed 2 small craft projects - one for a swap that I had to force myself to do as I was on a deadline and one was a crocheted snowflake for a family that lost their mother/wife to a brain aneurism. I sit down to cross stitch and manage about 10 stitches at a time. I just haven't been able to focus. I've tried on many occasion to get back to this old blog, but couldn't think of anything I really wanted to share. It's still broken from an update to the CMS I did awhile back and haven't had the motivation to fix it.

I tried to put my best face forward on Facebook and only post mundane things. I spent many years complaining about everything little thing on this blog and Marcus nicknamed it the "blog of woe." When I catch myself doing that on Facebook, I erase it. I know in this post I'm continuing the "blog of woe," but I need to vent and remind myself of all that is going on so that I may work on changing it while I'm not in depression's grip.

I don't know if it is because it is Spring, or because this last week got so bad that I finally had enough, but I actually feel motivated to change things. I'm tired of being the only capable data processor at work and having too much on my plate the last week of every month. I'm tired of being underpaid for what I really do there. I'm tired of having nobody I can talk to there about these frustrations (supervisors, HR, etc) that can or will do anything about it. I'm tired of being in a soul-sucking, non-creative desk job with no future. I'm tired of being stuck in an office with no music since they made us get rid of our radios. I'm tired of having allergy attacks all day at work because my co-worker in my office is either totally insensitive or dumb and won't stop coming to work laden in some offensive fragrance despite me repeatedly telling her it sets off my allergies. She also hasn't grasped how to do this job after 6 months, yet they still employ her. She was touted as being an Excel expert when they hired her. A couple of days ago, she was struggling with a client list because she doesn't know how to make new columns, copy & paste from cell to cell or do a "text to columns" - all pretty basic Excel stuff. Plus, I showed her how to do that on this same list the month before and watched her take notes. I'm tired of one of the other data processors that, despite being in the country for over 20 years, doesn't understand English and refuses to do things according to department standards and yet he keeps his job. I'm tired of my other co-worker who is the brother-in-law of the owner, is over 70 and is having issues remembering how to do his job and yet they keep him employed instead of having him retire simply because he claims he wouldn't know what to do with his life if he didn't have a job to go to every day. I'm tired of living in this overcrowded rat cage called Denver. I'm tired of driving all over hell to take care of my animals that are scattered in foster homes because I can't have them here. I'm tired of the lack of quality time Marcus and I have together due to our stupid jobs (ever since our company "upgraded" the plant manager software, he spends almost every waking moment fixing that stupid crap). I'm tired of not having the funds to get my car fixed. I'm tired of not having room to cook or bake. I'm tired of not being able to prepare meals, because I usually end up eating alone anyway because something at work is broken. I'm tired of the creepy, legally-blind lady that is always sitting outside on her balcony because she has to smoke and always wants to chat. There's more, but man...that is enough for now.

We're going to start moving some of our stuff up to the house in South Dakota next week. I've got to figure out how to follow soon thereafter. Marcus keeps reminding me that I have a "Large Toolbox" and that I need to use it. I know he's right, I just need to quit being afraid and do something. I feel so peaceful and at ease up there. I do feel like I've come home when I'm there. I also ordered a juicer (should be here Monday) and I'm getting serious about getting this extra weight off. Mom died early because she didn't take care of herself. I had a sobering thought last week as my supervisor was telling me about how the women in her family live long. If I lived as long as my mother, I'd only have a little over 5 years left on this planet. I'm not going to let that happen.

I think my highest weight was around 315 pounds. I'm not quite sure as I was in one of the big depression bouts similar to what I just experienced, but I do remember a 315 on the scale at one point. If that's the case, between the change in my diet to as many unprocessed and organic foods as possible and having a dog to walk, I'm down 55 pounds. I keep thinking that i was basically carrying around a 50 lb flour sack like I used to sling at the pizza place every day on my poor body every day. What sucks is I'm still dragging around a little over 2 more of those. I'm amazed at how much better I feel now than I did a couple of years ago. I can't wait to see how much better I feel when I've dropped a couple of more flour sacks. That's another reason I want to get up to South Dakota. That Mickelson Trail that Marcus rides is 109 miles - lots for me and T to explore.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring about major changes. I'm so ready to move onto a new chapter in my life.

*sigh* I wish this weekend had been as productive as last weekend. There is just not enough time away from work.

Marcus and I finished up the Thanksgiving shopping this evening. We picked up the natural free-range turkey that we ordered earlier from Sunflower Market. Can't wait to see how that turns out. I spent the earlier part of the day at a knitting gathering at my friend's house down in Castle Rock. I got the body of the amigurumi turkey I'm making finished, as well as several rows of a holiday bag I'm knitting. I brought one of my cheesecakes to share and I was quite happy with how it turned out. I'll post pics tomorrow after I get them off of my camera.

Marcus and I actually relaxed this evening and finally watched Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. He downloaded that from iTunes a couple of weeks ago and we hadn't had a chance to watch it. I'll admit that I missed Orlando Bloom's character just a little.

The olive leaf extract that I wrote about yesterday seems to be doing the trick. I felt so much better today. Still coughing up a little crud out of my lungs, but at least I didn't feel like sleeping all danged day.

OK, I'm off to dig through my stash to find orange yarn for my turkey and then I'm off to bed.

I read somewhere that Olive Leaf Extract was antibacterial and antiviral. I picked up a bottle of the Nature's Way brand today. As I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired, I figured it couldn't hurt. I'll let you all know how it works.

I was at Target today with Dad picking up the Thanksgiving feast and the egg case was totally empty. Hanging from a shelf was a sign that Target had severed ties with its supplier, Sparboe Farms, and they apologized for any inconvenience. People were so upset - you would think that eggs weren't sold any place else. When I got home I searched the news and found a story that both Target and McDonald's had dropped Sparboe Farms after an activist turned over undercover video about the conditions there. While I wished something like this would open people's eyes and change the way food is mass-produced in this country, people will quickly forget. Since Marcus and I have vowed to avoid food produced by the big commercial companies and stick to local and organic when possible, we've found that many people actually feel threatened by our choice. They prefer to not know where their food comes from or how it's produced, as long as it is cheap and easy.

I hate that people feel the need to diagnose illnesses in others, especially over the internet. A woman in a forum I'm on told me I should have gotten a flu shot (how does she know if I did or didn't) and I shouldn't be going to work. Um, I don't have the flu. I've had it and I know what it feels like. I have one of a myriad of other viruses that float around this time of year - the kind where when you go to the doctor, they give you cough syrup and a decongestant and tell you to ride it out. I also have no vacation days left and unless you're going to pay my bills, mind your own damn business.

I pulled my blog feed from that site, but now I'm thinking I need to figure out how many online places I really need to belong. I'll keep Facebook, Twitter and Ravelry, but I really can't think of anything else above that I need to waste my time with. I've been disgusted with how much time I waste on the Internet anyway. My inboxes are flooded with notices from all of these places and it is so overwhelming, I never read them. I also miss important emails from friends because I just quickly skim through them all.

I joined a lot of places back when I was unemployed and bored. Since that's been over five years now, it's time to dump them.

That said...getting off the Internet for a while. I've got stuff that needs to get done today and there is a Bronco game on the tube.

I picked up a bug the first week of October during my New Mexico trip. Last week I thought I was finally kicking it and....WHAM! I picked up something nastier. Actually, I think I got this current bug from Marcus. He's been really sick, as well. Makes it really hard to be romantic when you're both coughing up lungs and such.

I've actually been a little achy and my throat is sore. I've been sleeping...a lot. I guess it is good that my body is resting, but I'm not getting a darned thing done. I've also been sucking on candy at work to keep from coughing, but it is making me gain weight because I'm so danged lethargic. Stupid germs.

I've been enjoying playing with Siri on my new phone. The only sucky thing is since I'm sick and prone to losing my voice or having it crack, she has a hard time deciphering my sick voice. I can't wait until it gets integrated into other apps (like hopefully my Grocery IQ one).

I'm hoping to have some crafty things to show tomorrow. On that note, I'm off to bed with some hot tea and NyQuil.

I went to New Mexico early last month. I wanted to go to the Taos Wool Festival and figured I might as well swing over and see my old college pal while I was in the state, as well. Good thing I had Angie to visit because the wool festival and Taos kind of sucked. I'm glad I didn't waste the money to actually stay overnight in Taos.

I had originally intended to go down Saturday and get a room with friends, but an online friend of Marcus' and mine from Texas came to Colorado to visit, so I pushed it a day to drive down Sunday instead.

I actually managed to get on the road by 5:30 am. It was a beautiful drive down - the fall colors were spectacular. I was having a lovely day until I got to Taos. The part of town where the festival was held is kind of a dump. I wandered through the exhibitor booths for about an hour and didn't find a danged thing I wanted to buy. I found the couple of yarn shops that I had found online and didn't find anything cool, either. I figured certainly I'd find something at the quilt store, but struck out there as well. Discouraged, I tracked down a shot glass for my collection and got the hell out of town. I didn't even bother getting any lunch. I just relied on the snacks I had packed and got back on the road.

The roads between Taos and Farmington are a nice drive, though. The canyon was especially pretty. There were some gorgeous purple colored rocks in the canyon walls. I got into Farmington about 2 hours earlier than I expected, but I had an awesome visit with Angie, her husband Doug and their daughter Haley (and their two dogs, Shamus and Mac). I love visiting there. I feel so comfortable. Ang took me to see the Aztec ruins. I was going to go back the next day and sketch them, but it rained all day. I ended up going to a lovely quilt shop instead.

The only sucky thing is I picked up a bug down there. I started feeling sick the last night I was there and steadily deteriorated on the way home. The cough and crap in my chest has been lingering ever since. As I was reading though some posts from a year ago, I was sick this same exact time last year. This is becoming a tradition I hope to not repeat next year.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. I know a good portion of that is my mind swirling with everything that needs to get done if this move actually happens. The major reason is that I'm still hating my job and need to find something else to do with my life. I'm also thinking it may be due to my increased intake of sugar and caffeine (to stay awake) lately. Danged vicious cycle, I tell you, since the sugar and caffeine also keep me from sleeping.

I've been self-medicating the anger and irritation with chocolate, candy and sunflower seeds (cracking seeds is therapeutic when deep down you want to crack open stupid heads). I've been adding chocolate milk powder and sugar to my morning coffee. I've been drinking a cold Via (again with chocolate milk powder to make it drinkable) when I get home from mid-day shopping on the weekends. I've had way too many chai frappucinos to count in the last couple of months. The almost solid week of traveling last week with bottled, sweetened teas to drink was not good for my system, either.

I've decided I really should cut out caffeine completely, but I turn into a raging beyatch when I try to go cold turkey, so baby steps will have to do. This week I'm starting by cutting out the morning coffee and just sticking with cold, unsweetened iced tea. I'll gradually start drinking more plain water instead of the tea. I'm hoping to wean myself off my caffeine by the end of the month and see where I'm at then. I know I haven't been drinking enough fluids (especially plain water) lately. I've been getting headaches and retaining fluid like crazy.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

WARNING! FEMALE RELATED CONTENT! QUIT READING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TMI. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!


Yesterday, I had an appointment to have the Essure procedure done. If you don't want to click through the link, it's a permanent form of female sterilization. I've been wanting those nickle coils in my fallopian tubes ever since my gynecologist told me about them at my last annual exam. She reminded me that, being over 40, the risk of developing blood clots and strokes increase when being on birth control pills.

So, I called to set up the appointment in early December and have been looking forward to yesterday like it was Christmas or something. I needed a driver, so Marcus put in to take Monday off from work. I had the pre-op appointment last Wednesday where the doc went over the procedure details and prescribed the meds I was to take. I was good to go.

I'll be honest, the day before I started getting really nervous. This was surgery, after all. Things can go wrong. The night before, I put the pill up my vagina that was to soften the cervix and would cause cramping. Boy, did it. Worse than any menstrual cramp I've ever had. By 3 am, I couldn't even sleep any more. I got up and turned on the computer. Turns out that pill is also used to induce labor...great. No wonder I was in so much pain. I endured, because I was supposed to take 4 Ibuprofen tablets 2 hours before my procedure. I got Marcus up at 5:30. I thought that would be the hard part of the day, but he was as nervous as I was and was already awake. I took the Ibuprofen and the cramping pain lessened. We had to leave earlier than we'd planned (6:30am) because of the snow that fell and my doctor's office where she does the procedure is down in Parker. I took the pain pills just before we left the house (as instructed) and I could tell I was getting loopy on the way. We only got to the appointment 5 minutes late (not bad with morning traffic and snow), Marcus dropped me off and left his phone # because he was going to wait at the Starbucks a couple of blocks down the street. I was injected with something (local anesthesia, I think) and was really out of it. By the time I was in the room, I thought I was home free.

No such luck. Apparently, if you've never had children, it's really hard to get your cervix to soften and dilate (I wasn't told that). They had to abort the procedure because they couldn't get into my uterus and if they forced it they might puncture my uterus. I tried really hard not to cry, but I couldn't stop the tears. I was (and still am) so frustrated that I went through all that pain and money for absolutely nothing. Poor Marcus had to get me home in that drug-induced state. He's a saint for dealing with me. Apparently, we stopped at Starbucks because I wanted to (don't remember asking) and I told everyone there that my cervix wouldn't cooperate. We stopped by my Dad's house to fix a problem with his Wii (I don't remember being there at all). I do remember being at a traffic light and telling Marcus we were going the wrong way to get to Dad's house and he told me we had already been there. I also remember walking from the car, getting into the house and bawling as I got into bed to sleep everything off. I woke up around 4:30 or so and the cramps were bad again, so I started crying again. It was all just so unfair.

I'm waiting for my insurance company to deny the claim now since the procedure wasn't successful. I'm supposed to get a call from someone today to discuss what we can do next. I'm not really sure I'm ready to talk to anybody there and I'm pretty sure I don't want to go the laproscopic route to tie my tubes. I'm starting to think giving up sex would be the easier way to go. I'm just so fed up this all this crap I go through to make sure I don't get pregnant.