Domestic Geek

So, I came to a grim realization the other day. Once again I have made a huge boo-boo. I was reading a book at Barnes & Noble the other day that gave clues to realizing you're in the wrong job. One clue was that you spend your week counting down to Friday. A second was that sinking, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach every Sunday when you think about having to go to work the next morning. I have both of those.

When I took my job, I made the "safe" decision. I knew the guys that worked there and knew I'd have no problem being hired. I think part of me really misses school and in some weird way working with old schoolmates would have been kind of like being back there. Even though the pay being offered was a slap in the face to my skillset, I took it because I didn't want to have to work at getting interview leads and I was desperate for more income. I convinced myself that I had to take it because nobody else would hire me. I lied to myself that even thought the job was 50 miles from where I live, I'll be OK as long as I carpooled and kept doing pizza. Well, it only took one day of doing both to realize I wasn't going to cut it. I started realizing at the end of March that I had made a mistake in accepting that job, but par for me, I stuck my head in the sand and told myself that if I could make it to my six-month review, all would be well. Well, six weeks later and I realize that I can't keep up this charade.

With gas at $3 a gallon and hardly any carpooling happening for various reasons, I can't be paying $200 month for gas. I also can't keep putting those kind of miles on my vehicle or it won't last until the payments are over. The job itself is Ok, I guess, but I'm certainly overqualified for it. It's a little disheartening to put a lot of effort into a ad only to realize that it really won't be seen much because most of those ad magazines go straight to the trash. Working at the screen printer at least had the satisfaction that my work would last for awhile because people actually wore the stuff I designed.

The owner envisions those of us working there being leaders of teams of designers. I don't have that vision for myself. I should've held out for a job in the web field or the screenprinting/embroidery field. Web designing was the original reason I went to Platt in the first place. I can't believe I gave up so easily on it.

I have more that I want to say, but I can't because I don't know who reads this anymore.

I guess the biggest realization is this: I'm closing in on 40 (4 months away) and I have no benefits, no retirement, no house...I can't keep settling for less than I need. I'm tired of not being able to go out, go to the doctor, get new clothes, get new glasses. I'm tired of living to work. This is all a result of me being too wussy to go after what I want and just accepting whatever is handed to me. I'm tired of letting myself be weak. I've got to get a backbone and stand up for me.

So, after burying my head in the sand for the last three months, I finally sat down and figured out how much money I make per month and compared it to the amount of money I need. The picture is not good.

Now that my final student loan has kicked in, I have a whopping $30.75 left after bills to buy food and fuel for the whole month. Since it takes $35 alone to fill up my gas tank once, I'm totally fucked. I can't afford clothes, toiletries, cleaning supplies, oil changes, crafts, books, Starbucks...nothing extra at all. Let's also not forget that I have a $550 Federal tax bill looming that I can't pay. I still have no health benefits and if I have an emergency or an illness of any kind, I'm screwed. I guess when my boss gets back from his business trip, I'll have to tell him I either need to make more money or I've got to find a higher paying job. This is why it is so hard to break away from the pizza business. I keep having that nagging thought in the back of my head that I should go back for just a little bit to catch up. I don't want to be sucked back in.

Add to the problem that Marcus' overtime was cut and we're in a bad place. He was the one providing food.

This was the kick in the pants I need. I really need to do some freelance work and get my own business going.

It's no secret that I hate Blogrolling. Luckily there haven't been as many problems as there was a year ago, but I wanted the recently updated feature and most times it doesn't work anyway. I still end up going through most of my links to see if anybody has anything new. So, I saw awhile back that Yoshi was working on an Expression Engine Linklist module. He finally finished and released it, so I took the time this weekend to download and try it. I need to figure out how to customize it to my liking, but now I no longer have to watch my site spin while it tries to load stuff from blogrolling.com! I like the little favicons showing up. I need to get off my duff and make one. I used to have one when this place was LaDonnaBlog. Oh, well...someday!

I started working on my design business web site yesterday. Marcus bought me a starter set of business cards. Hopefully I'll be up and running for business by next week. I really need to find a client. Most of the designers I've taked to say they get business by word-of-mouth. Unfortunately, you need clients to get clients! There are some things going on at the job that I really hate, but I've decided not to air work crap here. I will say, however, that I've got some confidence in my design ability now and it's time I start making what my skills are really worth.

I'm poor. It's been a long time since I've been this bad off financially. Marcus says it's the growing pains of escaping pizza and that things will get better. I need to make them better NOW. I don't have money for anything extra...like food. LOL This week I'll be getting rid of everything totally unnecessary on eBay to raise cash. In addition to the necessities in life, I was a vacation, I want to move, I want a monitor that isn't fuzzy, I was a faster Mac. All these darned things take MONEY!

The exercise regimine gets restarted this week. I haven't gained weight, but I am terribly out of shape. Desk jobs suck. I didn't realize how much exercise I got making dough, but a walk around the park with Marcus on Saturday totally kicked my ass! I was so sore yesterday, I could barely move--FROM WALKING! I guess it will be time to resurrect the old Loser blog, too.

OK, my lunch is over, so I had better find something to do here at work.

Man, I so don't want to be here at work today. I've had a really stressful couple of weeks and all I wanted to do was stay home today and get stuff done around the homestead. We're going to be using Filemaker Pro at work in the next week and I'd figure I'd get some research into how that all works done, but I'm just not feeling like it today. I feel icky and I need a nap--BAD! What sucks is I have to be here at least another hour and a half. I'm not gonna make it.

I just got this photo from one of my co-workers that he took a couple of weeks ago. Aren't you jealous of my work environment?

I'm all for any software that allows you to free yourself from the evil giant, Microsoft. Another co-worker pointed me to Flip4Mac WMV, a component that allows .wmv files to be played through Quicktime.