Domestic Geek

Something in me snapped at work today. I'm done.

I'm so sick of being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I'm so sick of giving it my all to try to make a fucked up situation work just to get a paycheck. I'm sick of being lied to my face. I know I'm pretty good at whatever I try, but these people don't deserve my best. I won't go into details publicly, because I know this blog comes up if you search for my name, but I deserve better than this.

I was searching for something motivational to put in my line of sight at work and I came across the Steve Jobs commencement address at Stanford University. The parts that stick out for me are excerpted below:

"You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.
...
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
...
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

--Steve Jobs, June 12, 2005

I'll be honest that this colon thing has me a little freaked out. I'm also getting closer to the age that Mom was when she passed. If I don't figure out what will make me happy and do it, I'm going to die with regrets and bitterness.

I'm so tired of being in pain and our health system sucks.

There's been something wrong with me since August.

At first I thought it was the beginnings of a bladder infection. I went to one of those clinics in King Soopers and was prescribed antibiotics. After I finished those, I didn't feel any better - in fact, I felt worse.

I eventually gave in and went to an after-hours urgent care. I was told I probably had a kidney infection and was given even more antibiotics. I was called by the doctor there that my tests had come back negative for a kidney infections, but since I had blood in my urine, I most likely had kidney stones and should see a urologist.

I made an appt. with one where I was told I needed to get a CT scan. I was prescribed yet more antibiotics. The scan showed no stones. I gave in and went to the ER when those antibiotics did no good.

I was made to take another CT scan as the one I had just 2 days earlier was not the right kind. I was diagnosed with diverticulitis and sent home with more antibiotics. After 5 days those were gone and I felt worse than ever. I was so bloated that I could barely sit and could only sleep with the aid of vicodin. I took yet another trip to the ER, underwent a 3rd CT scan, was given even more antibiotics and was told to follow up with a GI doc.

I paid a co-pay at the GI for them to basically tell me there is nothing they can do until I get a colonoscopy, but I can't get one for 6 weeks. In the mean time, go home and drink Metamucil. The hell? So, I wait and wait for someone to call me to set up an appt. and finally had to call the GI back. Now I wait because I couldn't get an appt. until NOVEMBER 21st (8 weeks after my GI appt). So, I'm still in pain and bloated. Even after the colonoscopy, it's not like anybody is going to fix anything. I'll probably have to wait even more. Meanwhile, worst case scenarios and playing in my head.

I'm so sick of being sick.

I bought a Christmas-Branded box of this off an endcap at Whole Foods last Christmas and while it doesn't keep me out the whole night, it does help me fall asleep faster. After the box was empty, I didn't think much more about it. I came across a straggler from that box in my cupboard the other day and figured that since Christmas stuff is starting to get stocked, maybe they would have it again. Turns out, after asking a clerk about it, they have it all year long, dang it!

So, the after-election rants are starting on Facebook. People claiming they can't live in a country where Republicans have the majority (I heard the same thing from the other side 2 years ago, yet here they all still live). Others acting like we're at the beginning of an apocalypse because their candidates didn't win. Here's the deal - stop giving the government that much control over your lives. Until there is a major shift in thinking in this country, it doesn't matter who wins - we all lose. Being Libertarian, my candidates rarely win. I'm hopeful that one day enough people will wake up and realize that the current 2-party political system that panders to the leeches of society (both rich and poor) is the problem.

Edited 11/5 to add:
A couple of election things that did bum me out:
1. The GMO labeling proposition failed. I guess people feel ignorance is bliss. I, for one, want to know what I'm eating. Way to fall for the scare tactics from people that profit from GMOs.
2. The Aurora pit bull ban is still in place. It's not a breed problem, it's an owner problem. I'm sorry, the only time I was ever attacked when I was delivering pizzas was by a little, yappy drop-kick dog that sank it's sharp little teeth into my Achilles tendon while I waited for the owner to go get money.
3. Hickenlooper is still Governor of Colorado.

I'm in a creative funk. I purchased this today at Barnes & Noble to see if I can get my creative juices flowing again - Kim Werker's "Make It Might Ugly.