Domestic Geek

So, I drove over to the place where I'm working only to find nobody there to let me in. This whole situation is stupid. I realized after the second day I didn't want to work there. I really need to talk to the owner and get out of this. I don't need a stupid workplace on top of everything else going on right now.

I just realized I forgot I was doing the 100 Facts in 100 Days meme. Ooops. I think I've been preoccupied with other matters.

I've often wondered if there is something physically wrong with me. I've suspected for years that I may suffer from depression. I've also suspected a bipolar disorder. When my mother and I were watching an episode of Oprah together and I mentioned my suspicions, she said, "Oh, you're not depressed. You're just a little down and you'll snap out of it." Since we will have lost my mother 10 years ago this January and that conversation happened well before that, I've had this problem for a very long time. I've never sought help because I never had insurance and don't have money to pay for doctors myself. I didn't want to be drugged up and suffer other problems. I cry alot and shut myself away. I honestly can't remember a time when I was happy and at peace. Even though I try to put on a happy face once in awhile, that feeling of wrongness is always there. It's why I overspend and overeat and push away people trying to be my friends. It's why I'm so self-destructive. It's why I'm so angry and frustrated. It's why I always used to move alot. I was trying to escape something. The sad thing is, what I'm trying to escape is inside of me.

Today, my friend Chrissy pointed out this blog entry about Depression in the IT Professions. It's got me to thinking again. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with the jobs I've tried to get, it's all me. I'll never be happy in any job because that deep seeded feeling that everything is wrong is always there. The author of that post had many resources about depression. Maybe it's time to figure out what's wrong and fix it.

So, you know you're not working at the right place when you call in after three days on the job. *sigh* Normally, I would rant about why this job is not for me, but I'll just say that it's not working out and leave it at that.

I so badly want to find something bearable to do everyday. I feel like that guy in Office Space--I don't think sitting in front of a computer 8+ hours a day is for me. I really prefer having computers and web stuff as a hobby, not a job. I joked with Marcus that I would get a job in construction if it wasn't for the fact that I'd probably be in the ER on the very first day! LOL That's one reason why I kept at pizza for so long...as a driver, you're out on the road most of the time, not cooped up somewhere. That's why managing pizza or working inside didn't work. I just couldn't stand being in the same place doing the same thing over and over for that long. I need a job where I can make stuff or something, but not like an assembly line. I think that's why I liked the part of my merchandiser job I had at AutoZone. I loved resetting planograms. Too bad jobs like that don't pay squat.

So, Happy Birthday to me! I've been on this crazy planet 40 years now.

I wish I could call in sick. I've had 3 hours of sleep and I feel like crap. Woo hoo!