Domestic Geek

I've often wondered if there is something physically wrong with me. I've suspected for years that I may suffer from depression. I've also suspected a bipolar disorder. When my mother and I were watching an episode of Oprah together and I mentioned my suspicions, she said, "Oh, you're not depressed. You're just a little down and you'll snap out of it." Since we will have lost my mother 10 years ago this January and that conversation happened well before that, I've had this problem for a very long time. I've never sought help because I never had insurance and don't have money to pay for doctors myself. I didn't want to be drugged up and suffer other problems. I cry alot and shut myself away. I honestly can't remember a time when I was happy and at peace. Even though I try to put on a happy face once in awhile, that feeling of wrongness is always there. It's why I overspend and overeat and push away people trying to be my friends. It's why I'm so self-destructive. It's why I'm so angry and frustrated. It's why I always used to move alot. I was trying to escape something. The sad thing is, what I'm trying to escape is inside of me.

Today, my friend Chrissy pointed out this blog entry about Depression in the IT Professions. It's got me to thinking again. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with the jobs I've tried to get, it's all me. I'll never be happy in any job because that deep seeded feeling that everything is wrong is always there. The author of that post had many resources about depression. Maybe it's time to figure out what's wrong and fix it.