Domestic Geek

Even though it is only Saturday night, here I am having a panic attack at the thought of returning to work on Monday. I'm trying to be grateful this all happened as it has been a wake-up call of how little I'm valued despite having my 8th anniversary with that company just yesterday. I know better things are out there, I just have to stay calm before I do something stupid - I have a hard time biting my tongue.

On a better note, I've been purging my blog of paid posts. It feels good every time I select a few and hit delete. It's definitely going to take a while, though. It'll be nice to finally stop getting those stupid emails of companies trying to clean up their Google rankings.

Funny to think that these posts are what was supporting me back when I got my current job. This job was also only supposed to be fore a year while I got my crap together to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I let a steady paycheck make me complacent even though I've been miserable almost the whole dang time I've worked there.

So, I was put in my place at work today. Wish I could post details, but I can't. Job hunting has started in earnest. I'm going to probably have to take a major pay cut, but at least I'll be in South Dakota and can focus on starting my own side business that will hopefully eventually become my sole source of support.

The freaky thing was reading Maria Shaw's Starscopes Newsletter when I got home:

Mars will conjunct Pluto bringing some very intense power struggles and energy to the surface November 10 to the 14th. You could really feel like blowing off some steam. People, who have been getting on your nerves, will now push you too far. But it is a great time to get moving in a new direction and these energies may help you on a new path.
....
November 12th brings a harsh and challenging aspect from Pluto and Uranus. Something out of the blue may unfold that forces you to choose a different path than you are already on. Expect the unexpected this week. This will be an interesting day because Saturn will also meet Venus and this can either bond a relationship or create an ending of some kind. If a relationship's foundation is shaky, it could crumble under this influence.

So, yeah...this coming week is going to be rough, but necessary to get me off the dead-end path I'm on and hopefully onto a better one.

Something in me snapped at work today. I'm done.

I'm so sick of being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I'm so sick of giving it my all to try to make a fucked up situation work just to get a paycheck. I'm sick of being lied to my face. I know I'm pretty good at whatever I try, but these people don't deserve my best. I won't go into details publicly, because I know this blog comes up if you search for my name, but I deserve better than this.

I was searching for something motivational to put in my line of sight at work and I came across the Steve Jobs commencement address at Stanford University. The parts that stick out for me are excerpted below:

"You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.
...
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
...
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

--Steve Jobs, June 12, 2005

I'll be honest that this colon thing has me a little freaked out. I'm also getting closer to the age that Mom was when she passed. If I don't figure out what will make me happy and do it, I'm going to die with regrets and bitterness.

Man, after my supervisor walked off the job a few weeks ago, I've been putting in 50-60 hour weeks and it seemed like we'd never get caught up. Today was the first day since then that the "Ready to Work" basket has been empty. Whew!

Work sucked today on so many levels. I wish I was in a position where I could just walk away from there and never look back.

There were a couple of good things about today, though:

1) Marcus took me to Qdoba for lunch and I got my new favorite there, Shredded Pork Mexican Gumbo. The first time I decided to try this menu item, there was a new girl there that didn't speak much English and she kept pointing at things and I'd say sure, except when we got to the end, there was neither the soup or the tortilla strips the menu said it had, so once that was rectified, I wasn't entirely sure what I was eating was what it was supposed to be. It was darned tasty, though. I waited a while to try it again, and this time it was an employee I knew had worked there a while. Turns out really the only thing I ended up with that time that wasn't supposed to be in there was some queso.




2) By the time I left work, I was so fed up that I went in search of alcohol. I try not to keep much in the house because in my current state of depression, I could easily turn to the bottle often. Thank goodness liquor stores around here sell single bottles. I don't remember where I read about New Belgium's Flambozen (maybe their Facebook wall), but I made a mental note that if I ever saw some, I was going to try it. I'm a little bummed that apparently I totally missed their pumpkin beer this year. I kept talking myself out of buying one, so of course now I can't find it. It's a Raspberry Brown Ale and since I like a lot of the fruit beers I've tried, I was hopeful. I stopped in at Wallaby's over on Florida/Parker and fortunately they had a couple of singles, so I purchased one and put it in the freezer when I got to home to chill it.

It was so good! I'm going to grab a six pack to take to South Dakota next week.



On that note, I'm calling Uncle on this stupid day and going to bed.