Domestic Geek

I wish I could spill what is going on at work on here. I'm so frustrated and apathetic. It's not like me at all and I don't like it. I have to keep reminding myself this is motivation to get my rear in gear and find something to do with my life that will bring me good feelings, not negative ones.

I'm also having severe colon pain again (topped with a good dose of womanly cramps - TMI - sorry). Good thing the colonoscopy is on Friday. I'm hoping they find the cause and that it is not super-serious. I have my doubts as this whole ordeal has been one wasted effort after another. I was reading the stuff they sent me earlier today. Not looking forward to this process at all.

OK, that I said, I'm going to pop a pain pill and head to bed.

I haven't been keeping track of my paperwork in a long time and I definitely haven't been doing anything with them since we moved into the condo. It was a big pile on my desk that I knocked off a couple of weeks ago and let sit on the floor. Today I had a major panic attack because I couldn't find a bill I needed to mail. Now I've at least got my receipts into shoe boxes to sort and the mail into piles. Why have I let my life get so out of control?

I have this stupid recurring dream where I'm almost ready to graduate from UNC and I have one last thing to do (a class, a recital, etc.) and I can't find a place to live. I always have it when I'm under a lot of stress and/or need to change something major. I know why I have it, it just irks me that it feels so real and I wake up panicked. One time I even went looking for my diploma and transcript to make sure I had actually finished the stupid degree.

I just woke up from having that dream. I'm agitated now because I want to quit my job in Denver, but I can't find anything up here in South Dakota. All day yesterday I brainstormed about things I could do from home, but I really need about the same income coming in or I screw Marcus over.

Also, the Lottery Gods are not cooperating.

I've been having panic attacks when I'm not at work at the thought of having to go back. Even yesterday, where this place is normally my sanctuary. I've got to find something because I can't/don't want to do this anymore.

Even though it is only Saturday night, here I am having a panic attack at the thought of returning to work on Monday. I'm trying to be grateful this all happened as it has been a wake-up call of how little I'm valued despite having my 8th anniversary with that company just yesterday. I know better things are out there, I just have to stay calm before I do something stupid - I have a hard time biting my tongue.

On a better note, I've been purging my blog of paid posts. It feels good every time I select a few and hit delete. It's definitely going to take a while, though. It'll be nice to finally stop getting those stupid emails of companies trying to clean up their Google rankings.

Funny to think that these posts are what was supporting me back when I got my current job. This job was also only supposed to be fore a year while I got my crap together to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I let a steady paycheck make me complacent even though I've been miserable almost the whole dang time I've worked there.

So, I was put in my place at work today. Wish I could post details, but I can't. Job hunting has started in earnest. I'm going to probably have to take a major pay cut, but at least I'll be in South Dakota and can focus on starting my own side business that will hopefully eventually become my sole source of support.

The freaky thing was reading Maria Shaw's Starscopes Newsletter when I got home:

Mars will conjunct Pluto bringing some very intense power struggles and energy to the surface November 10 to the 14th. You could really feel like blowing off some steam. People, who have been getting on your nerves, will now push you too far. But it is a great time to get moving in a new direction and these energies may help you on a new path.
....
November 12th brings a harsh and challenging aspect from Pluto and Uranus. Something out of the blue may unfold that forces you to choose a different path than you are already on. Expect the unexpected this week. This will be an interesting day because Saturn will also meet Venus and this can either bond a relationship or create an ending of some kind. If a relationship's foundation is shaky, it could crumble under this influence.

So, yeah...this coming week is going to be rough, but necessary to get me off the dead-end path I'm on and hopefully onto a better one.