Domestic Geek

There is a new virus. The code name is “WORK”. If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else — do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life. If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends but am not entirely positive…so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years." he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again....

Ladies of days gone by: If a lady accidentally over-salts a dish while it’s still cooking, she drops in a peeled potato and it absorbs the excess salt for an instant “fix-me-up”.
Women of today: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad.

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Ladies of days gone by: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Women of today: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

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Ladies of days gone by: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Women of today: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

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Ladies of days gone by: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Women of today: Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

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Ladies of days gone by: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
Women of today: Go to the bakery - they’ll even decorate it for you.

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Ladies of days gone by: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Women of today: Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don’t do it.

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Ladies of days gone by: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish-washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Women of today: Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.

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And finally the most important tip....

Ladies of days gone by: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Women of today: Leftover wine??