A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
Posted by LaDonna at 12:40 PM on 07/22/04 • Permalink •
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I got this email yesterday—totally cracked me up!
LETTER FROM CAMP
For those who remember Allan Sherman's famous song "Hello Mother..."
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on
TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags
got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on
the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write
because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for
the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling
anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably
didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will
blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of
our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It
wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.
Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something
to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a
neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he
lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made
for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol
man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact,
he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't
any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of
the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids.
Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid
he would sink because of his cast, -- it's concrete because we didn't have
any plaster --, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still
see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get
mad about the missing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on
the bus so we are trying not to caus him any trouble. Guess what? We have
all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and
cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up,
but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the
leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in
prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure
figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Chris
Posted by LaDonna at 02:50 PM on 07/16/04 • Permalink •
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I know this has been around awhile, but I heard it again on Dr. Laura's show yesterday, so I wanted to post it.
THE ANT & THE GRASSHOPPER FABLE
CLASSIC VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.
Moral Of The Story...Be responsible for yourself!
MODERN VERSION...
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing "its Not Easy Being Green."
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".
Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, (which just happens to be the ant's old house), crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
Posted by LaDonna at 02:59 AM on 07/15/04 • Permalink •
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It's Princess, yeah.
A while back Shockwave asked South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker to make two short animated flash films for them. Although the creators had warned Shockwave that they would deliver a cartoon with no holds barred, Shockwave insisted on having them make it. So, they did! And "Princess" was the result.
See why Shockwave never aired them . . .
WARNING: Ok, just so you know, this is animated p0rn. If you're easily offended,
DON'T GO LOOK AT THIS! If you can handle it, go
check it out. I thought it was freakin' hilarious.
Link via
Gigglechick.
Edited 2/27/05:The above link no longer works, but I found it
here.
Posted by LaDonna at 07:46 PM on 07/11/04 • Permalink •
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Seen at
Gina's:
There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber said ?Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad.? The pickle looks at him and says, ?You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar.? The penis looks at him and says, ?You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!.?
We started learning Flash today at school. I was in tears laughing while playing with this
virtual knee surgury site. It's kind of morbid, I know. Try it, though. It's a hoot.
Posted by LaDonna at 10:03 AM on 05/05/04 • Permalink •
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Name: LaDonna
