Domestic Geek

I've often wondered if there is something physically wrong with me. I've suspected for years that I may suffer from depression. I've also suspected a bipolar disorder. When my mother and I were watching an episode of Oprah together and I mentioned my suspicions, she said, "Oh, you're not depressed. You're just a little down and you'll snap out of it." Since we will have lost my mother 10 years ago this January and that conversation happened well before that, I've had this problem for a very long time. I've never sought help because I never had insurance and don't have money to pay for doctors myself. I didn't want to be drugged up and suffer other problems. I cry alot and shut myself away. I honestly can't remember a time when I was happy and at peace. Even though I try to put on a happy face once in awhile, that feeling of wrongness is always there. It's why I overspend and overeat and push away people trying to be my friends. It's why I'm so self-destructive. It's why I'm so angry and frustrated. It's why I always used to move alot. I was trying to escape something. The sad thing is, what I'm trying to escape is inside of me.

Today, my friend Chrissy pointed out this blog entry about Depression in the IT Professions. It's got me to thinking again. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with the jobs I've tried to get, it's all me. I'll never be happy in any job because that deep seeded feeling that everything is wrong is always there. The author of that post had many resources about depression. Maybe it's time to figure out what's wrong and fix it.

So, you know you're not working at the right place when you call in after three days on the job. *sigh* Normally, I would rant about why this job is not for me, but I'll just say that it's not working out and leave it at that.

I so badly want to find something bearable to do everyday. I feel like that guy in Office Space--I don't think sitting in front of a computer 8+ hours a day is for me. I really prefer having computers and web stuff as a hobby, not a job. I joked with Marcus that I would get a job in construction if it wasn't for the fact that I'd probably be in the ER on the very first day! LOL That's one reason why I kept at pizza for so long...as a driver, you're out on the road most of the time, not cooped up somewhere. That's why managing pizza or working inside didn't work. I just couldn't stand being in the same place doing the same thing over and over for that long. I need a job where I can make stuff or something, but not like an assembly line. I think that's why I liked the part of my merchandiser job I had at AutoZone. I loved resetting planograms. Too bad jobs like that don't pay squat.

So, Happy Birthday to me! I've been on this crazy planet 40 years now.

I wish I could call in sick. I've had 3 hours of sleep and I feel like crap. Woo hoo!

Yay, my insomnia is back full force. I tried to go to sleep a couple of hours ago, but I've got so much on my brain, I can't. I never thought that on my 40th birthday, I'd be up in the middle of the night bawling like a baby because my life is spiraling out of control and everything I do to try and make it better somehow always makes it worse. Something in my life right now has got to give. I'm tired of going in the wrong direction, making the wrong choices. I'm begging the universe to give me some clue as to what I need to be doing, what move I should make. I just want a job that pays enough money to live comfortably, that gives me some sort of satisfaction, that doesn't feel pointless.

I'm on the verge of going back to pizza. My brakes and the price of gas are the only things that have kept me from applying again so far. I don't want to deliver pizzas again. I know I won't make the kind of money I used to. It'll ruin my car. It's going in the wrong direction, but I don't know what else to do. I only qualified for about $3,000 in unemployment. That'll be gone before I know it.

I wish I had an inkling of another line of work to try or some other type of job I'd be good at. I can't go back to school yet again. I'm already going to be paying off student loan debt until I"m dead.

I wish I knew what to do.

So, nothing like wondering why you haven't heard from a place you sent a resume to that you really wanted to work at only to realize that you have a typo in your cover letter and said cover letter states you have high attention to detail. Said cover letter was also proofread by the placement coordinator. Whoo Hooo! Gee, wonder why they wouldn't call after that?