Domestic Geek

So it hit me today while I was out having lunch with my dad today at Wendy's that I'm going to be 40 in a little over six weeks. When in the heck did that happen? Wasn't I just heading off to college? No, that happened 22 years ago! Didn't I just set my mind on getting Marcus (14 years ago)? The last 10 years of my life, especially, have gone by in a blink. I think it's because I've spent so much of it in a fog. When my mother went into a diabetic coma in November 1996, my life changed forever. I got really angry, I shut down emotionally except for lashing out at people, I became a recluse, I stopped really trying to live. I kept going to school to occupy my brain to keep from having to face things because I was too busy. I've gone though the motions of living, true. I continue to breathe and muddle through day to day, but I stopped dreaming and hoping and really feeling. I took on the attitude of "why bother?" I'll probably be dead in another 10 years or so, too. What was the point of putting effort into what you want when you won't be around anyway? I'm so grateful that Marcus stuck with me through all of that. Who knows what would've happened had he left.

It's only been in the last few months that I truly realized what I had been doing to myself. I feel a little tinge of regret of all the time I've wasted wallowing in my despair, for all the times I settled for less than I wanted, for all the opportunites that I turned my back on. I've been trying to be better. This week was hard. I can contribute some of that to good old Aunt Flo, but I did have a horrible episode of despair and depression a couple of days ago. I reached out and enjoyed myself last week only to totally turn inward and avoid people this week. It's frustrating.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. I'll do some reading until Marcus gets home.

Well, this is what I've been dreading about Marcus' new job. He's the only IT guy for a fairly large company. It's a printer that runs the presses 24/7, so that means he's on call all the time. We were sitting in the family room watching Mythbusters on the PVR, relaxing after both of us had pretty crappy days, and he gets "the call." Yep, he had to go to work to rebuild a Windows (big surprise) box that took a dump. *sigh* What sucks is that I don't sleep well when he's not home, so I'll probably still be awake when he gets back. Man, getting him up again in the morning to go to work is going to be a bear.

Once again I am cursing myself for my choice of career path. Well, maybe not the actual career, but my timing of getting into it. I loved playing and designing on computers back in the late '80s, early '90s. Why didn't I do something about it then? Oh, yeah, I was paying off my 6-year mistake of a Bachelor Degree in music education. Once that was mostly paid off, I made two-year mistake of getting an associates in computer technology.

When I started Platt on June 17, 2002, I was told the entry-level salary for a graphic designer was $32,000-$35,000/yr. I can handle that, thought I. Well, here I am just four years later out trying to find another job in the field and these places won't even pay $30K if you have gobs of experience. Entry level jobs are paying $10-12/hr and you can't live and that in Denver while trying to pay off student loans. Why so low? While on Craigslist today , someone posted a link to a blog post called The Pricing Wormhole that pretty much sums up exactly what happened. If I had known the situation out there was this bleak, I may have had second thoughts about telling my boss I was job hunting. Maybe I should've found a way to suck it up to get the magical "one year" of experience at a single company (apparently two 7 month stints don't count). I had grandiose visions of freelancing that came tumbling down yesterday. Even though I knew better, I commited to do a logo for a guy for $100. Here it is 10 weeks later and he keeps dragging his feet and it is not done. Someone put me in touch with a guy that wanted a couple of "simple" changes to his web site, but he has no idea how to get into the server on which it is hosted. I wasted 90 minutes on the phone with this guy yesterday and still no job. He was supposed to call me this morning with that info if he could get it. Since I haven't heard squat from him, I guess he can't get in. With the foul mood I've been in the last couple of days, I'm not going to harass him to make $25.

Platt College is more or less a nursing school now. I heard rumors that they may phase out the graphic design program altogether. You can't get students when they can only make $25k a year to start (if there is even a job to be had when they graduate).

I'm not giving up. I'm just frustrated. This is hard to swallow, but I used to make more than $25K a year when I was a full time pizza delivery driver--a job that requires no special training whatsoever. It's a good thing that gas prices soared or I would've gone back already.

I'm trying not to compain on here anymore, but I have to get this off my chest. It made me so angry yesterday, I thought I was going to explode.

I always get excited when I see local numbers on my cell phone...hoping it is someone calling me for a job interview. Yesterday, I got a call from a 303 area code while I was in talking to the people at Platt. I quickly call my voicemail only to find its the graphics dept. manager from the job I was just let go from. He wants me to change some stuff on the Filemaker database. Um, I don't work there anymore. I can't access your databse from home. Uh...NO! He went on forever...are you doing ok? Have you found a job yet? etc, etc, etc. If you really cared, you would've waited until I found something and gave my two weeks' notice, then found my replacement. Instead, I was let go. Bite me. I emailed him back (if I would've called him, I might've said something I would've later regretted) and told him that if they want further database modifications, they need to hire somebody because I'm not interested. That cleared one thing up, though. They invited me to the company picnic that's at Chatfield tomorrow. I've been teetering as to whether I should go or not. I mean, I'm still really hurt and angry at being more or less fired. I did want to go ride on one of the franchise owner's boat, though, and partake of the BBQ lunch. After yesterday's message, I emailed the office manager and told her I wouldn't be attending Wednesday's event. Why should I spend money on gas and park fees to hang with people that screwed me over or listen to them strategizing how to build a business of which I am no longer a part? I'm tired of acting professional and pretending that the way I left that company was OK. It wasn't.

I'm cutting all ties I had to that place and moving on.