Domestic Geek

So it hit me today while I was out having lunch with my dad today at Wendy's that I'm going to be 40 in a little over six weeks. When in the heck did that happen? Wasn't I just heading off to college? No, that happened 22 years ago! Didn't I just set my mind on getting Marcus (14 years ago)? The last 10 years of my life, especially, have gone by in a blink. I think it's because I've spent so much of it in a fog. When my mother went into a diabetic coma in November 1996, my life changed forever. I got really angry, I shut down emotionally except for lashing out at people, I became a recluse, I stopped really trying to live. I kept going to school to occupy my brain to keep from having to face things because I was too busy. I've gone though the motions of living, true. I continue to breathe and muddle through day to day, but I stopped dreaming and hoping and really feeling. I took on the attitude of "why bother?" I'll probably be dead in another 10 years or so, too. What was the point of putting effort into what you want when you won't be around anyway? I'm so grateful that Marcus stuck with me through all of that. Who knows what would've happened had he left.

It's only been in the last few months that I truly realized what I had been doing to myself. I feel a little tinge of regret of all the time I've wasted wallowing in my despair, for all the times I settled for less than I wanted, for all the opportunites that I turned my back on. I've been trying to be better. This week was hard. I can contribute some of that to good old Aunt Flo, but I did have a horrible episode of despair and depression a couple of days ago. I reached out and enjoyed myself last week only to totally turn inward and avoid people this week. It's frustrating.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. I'll do some reading until Marcus gets home.