Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Turning Point?

Had the most disturbing/enlightening dream last night. A bunch of people I didn't really know that well were on a stupid quest for something (no idea what anymore). We kept running into all sorts of issues and there really was no reward for completing the tasks. I woke up angry and frustrated. Perfect metaphor, I think, for my job/life at the moment. Yesterday, I was totally frustrated with the new software and the lack of organized training we're getting, my co-workers that are incompetent and/or lazy (yet will seemingly never get fired) and the pointlessness of what I do everyday (it's just mail, most of which is junk that ends up right in a trash can).

It really is time for find something better to do with my life. Marcus has put a little bug in my head that I've been contemplating for the last week. I've spent all week coming up with why it won't work. Need to squash that little voice in my head and concentrate on the pros of why it will work. I've been talking about doing something like this since college, but up until now, it's all been talk and dreams. I've been scared to make that leap. Next year I'll be 50 - time to make a jump.

I don't want to be like my 70+ year old former co-worker who just passed away and who couldn't retire because of bad choices in his life. I also don't want to be like my mother who never followed her own dreams and died way too early (also frustrated and bitter). I definitely don't want to be my father who never did anything with his life and just sits like a vegetable watching TV everyday, blaming everyone but himself for his predicament.

It's getting harder and harder on me every time I go Homestead North. I actually cried at my desk a little yesterday and had a hell of a time making myself perform my work tasks. Then, when I finally did manage to get a job done, I got an email from the account manager to put the job on hold, they were going to be changing it. It's hard enough to get though the pointlessness of it all without having to chuck it and start over. After that email, I clocked out on a long lunch and almost didn't go back. I get panic attacks almost every morning now on my drive in (both due to the job and the horrible traffic in Denver). I'm still too young to be living like this - especially in a free country where I'm not an indentured slave.

I also want to get back to this...blogging. I don't want it to be the "Blog of Woe" that Marcus once coined it as being, but I haven't felt very positive lately.