Domestic Geek

I hate how depression messes with you. You don't realize how bad things have been until you are in are in one of your better moments and look back at the events of the last 6 months and realize you've only done just enough to cope and get by. The insomnia, the inability to do anything creative, the despair, the anger, the procrastination, the isolation - all depression's fault. I always suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder in the winter, but I think this year was particularly bad for me. I'm sure part of that had to do with moving to this apartment complex plus having that new chick in my office at work.

It's probably a good thing we got a dog and I had someone that I had to take care of or I probably would have sunken further.

I'm sitting here surveying the damage. I think I've only cleaned the apartment once since we moved in. My few possessions I have here are totally disorganized. That dinky kitchen is a disaster area. I have only completed 2 small craft projects - one for a swap that I had to force myself to do as I was on a deadline and one was a crocheted snowflake for a family that lost their mother/wife to a brain aneurism. I sit down to cross stitch and manage about 10 stitches at a time. I just haven't been able to focus. I've tried on many occasion to get back to this old blog, but couldn't think of anything I really wanted to share. It's still broken from an update to the CMS I did awhile back and haven't had the motivation to fix it.

I tried to put my best face forward on Facebook and only post mundane things. I spent many years complaining about everything little thing on this blog and Marcus nicknamed it the "blog of woe." When I catch myself doing that on Facebook, I erase it. I know in this post I'm continuing the "blog of woe," but I need to vent and remind myself of all that is going on so that I may work on changing it while I'm not in depression's grip.

I don't know if it is because it is Spring, or because this last week got so bad that I finally had enough, but I actually feel motivated to change things. I'm tired of being the only capable data processor at work and having too much on my plate the last week of every month. I'm tired of being underpaid for what I really do there. I'm tired of having nobody I can talk to there about these frustrations (supervisors, HR, etc) that can or will do anything about it. I'm tired of being in a soul-sucking, non-creative desk job with no future. I'm tired of being stuck in an office with no music since they made us get rid of our radios. I'm tired of having allergy attacks all day at work because my co-worker in my office is either totally insensitive or dumb and won't stop coming to work laden in some offensive fragrance despite me repeatedly telling her it sets off my allergies. She also hasn't grasped how to do this job after 6 months, yet they still employ her. She was touted as being an Excel expert when they hired her. A couple of days ago, she was struggling with a client list because she doesn't know how to make new columns, copy & paste from cell to cell or do a "text to columns" - all pretty basic Excel stuff. Plus, I showed her how to do that on this same list the month before and watched her take notes. I'm tired of one of the other data processors that, despite being in the country for over 20 years, doesn't understand English and refuses to do things according to department standards and yet he keeps his job. I'm tired of my other co-worker who is the brother-in-law of the owner, is over 70 and is having issues remembering how to do his job and yet they keep him employed instead of having him retire simply because he claims he wouldn't know what to do with his life if he didn't have a job to go to every day. I'm tired of living in this overcrowded rat cage called Denver. I'm tired of driving all over hell to take care of my animals that are scattered in foster homes because I can't have them here. I'm tired of the lack of quality time Marcus and I have together due to our stupid jobs (ever since our company "upgraded" the plant manager software, he spends almost every waking moment fixing that stupid crap). I'm tired of not having the funds to get my car fixed. I'm tired of not having room to cook or bake. I'm tired of not being able to prepare meals, because I usually end up eating alone anyway because something at work is broken. I'm tired of the creepy, legally-blind lady that is always sitting outside on her balcony because she has to smoke and always wants to chat. There's more, but man...that is enough for now.

We're going to start moving some of our stuff up to the house in South Dakota next week. I've got to figure out how to follow soon thereafter. Marcus keeps reminding me that I have a "Large Toolbox" and that I need to use it. I know he's right, I just need to quit being afraid and do something. I feel so peaceful and at ease up there. I do feel like I've come home when I'm there. I also ordered a juicer (should be here Monday) and I'm getting serious about getting this extra weight off. Mom died early because she didn't take care of herself. I had a sobering thought last week as my supervisor was telling me about how the women in her family live long. If I lived as long as my mother, I'd only have a little over 5 years left on this planet. I'm not going to let that happen.

I think my highest weight was around 315 pounds. I'm not quite sure as I was in one of the big depression bouts similar to what I just experienced, but I do remember a 315 on the scale at one point. If that's the case, between the change in my diet to as many unprocessed and organic foods as possible and having a dog to walk, I'm down 55 pounds. I keep thinking that i was basically carrying around a 50 lb flour sack like I used to sling at the pizza place every day on my poor body every day. What sucks is I'm still dragging around a little over 2 more of those. I'm amazed at how much better I feel now than I did a couple of years ago. I can't wait to see how much better I feel when I've dropped a couple of more flour sacks. That's another reason I want to get up to South Dakota. That Mickelson Trail that Marcus rides is 109 miles - lots for me and T to explore.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring about major changes. I'm so ready to move onto a new chapter in my life.

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. I know a good portion of that is my mind swirling with everything that needs to get done if this move actually happens. The major reason is that I'm still hating my job and need to find something else to do with my life. I'm also thinking it may be due to my increased intake of sugar and caffeine (to stay awake) lately. Danged vicious cycle, I tell you, since the sugar and caffeine also keep me from sleeping.

I've been self-medicating the anger and irritation with chocolate, candy and sunflower seeds (cracking seeds is therapeutic when deep down you want to crack open stupid heads). I've been adding chocolate milk powder and sugar to my morning coffee. I've been drinking a cold Via (again with chocolate milk powder to make it drinkable) when I get home from mid-day shopping on the weekends. I've had way too many chai frappucinos to count in the last couple of months. The almost solid week of traveling last week with bottled, sweetened teas to drink was not good for my system, either.

I've decided I really should cut out caffeine completely, but I turn into a raging beyatch when I try to go cold turkey, so baby steps will have to do. This week I'm starting by cutting out the morning coffee and just sticking with cold, unsweetened iced tea. I'll gradually start drinking more plain water instead of the tea. I'm hoping to wean myself off my caffeine by the end of the month and see where I'm at then. I know I haven't been drinking enough fluids (especially plain water) lately. I've been getting headaches and retaining fluid like crazy.

Well, we'll see how it goes.

One of the biggest misconceptions that people have when trying to lose weight is that if they could only get by on less food, the pounds will drop off. Unfortunately, that sets them up to fail. The body is designed to survive in times of famine, so when it senses a reduction in caloric intake, it slows down its metabolism and hangs on as hard as possible to its fat stores.

Anais gave me a link to a page about it a while back.

I remember a teacher I used to work with went to one of those weight loss places and she used to complain about all the food they wanted her to eat. Since she refused to eat it all, she never lost weight.

As Colleen reminded me, one of the biggest problems we Americans have with our food is portion control. Eating good, healthy, fresh foods is a step in the right direction, but not if you eat three times more than your body needs.

It didn't help that I grew up in a household where we would have competitions to see who could keep up with eating with dad. We also medicated hurt feelings with ice cream..big four scoop with chocolate syrup on top bowls of ice cream.

I remember watching The Biggest Loser during the first season it was on when they were talking about portion sizes to the contestants. I was thinking then that my perception of how much to eat at any one time was really out of whack, yet I couldn't be bothered to research how big portions should be.

I have been better about not gorging myself and Marcus and I don't make a habit of going to all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants like we did when we were poor. I can tell my stomach has shrunk as I can't eat as much in one sitting as I used to. It's definitely something I need to educate myself about.

Marcus bought a pretty good scale recently. Turns out my old scale was off by 15 pounds...and not in my favor. My metabolism is already slowing down with the reduced food intake (I'm going into starvation mode, I guess) and I've gained weight this week. Marcus and I went for our first bike ride of the season. My poor butt hurts! My goal is to ride from 2nd & Potomac to Chatfiled by the end of the summer (Marcus thinks it's about 20 miles one way). Every week I'm going to get a little farther until I make it. By Christmas of next year (2007), I'm going to have lost 140 pounds—a whole person—the old me.