Domestic Geek

Man, I had 2 major panic attacks today.

First, I stopped at Whole Foods on the way to work and my debit card was declined. I had checked the balance this morning to see what purchases I had made with the PayPal card had cleared and there was money in my account. I got to work and logged into the bank website to see the card number was different and not active. Um, Ok...there was no message in my inbox, just notifications about bank statements ready to be downloaded. I started to call the bank, but figured I had better check through the big pile of crap on my desk first. Sure enough, there was a new card mixed in with political crap. Whew.

The 2nd one happened after I called tech support to find a solution to an issue I was having with our mail sorting software. The guy told me to make sure I copied this one file so that if things went wrong, I could put it back. The main problem is that we run our software on a remote server, not individual installations like they want you to do. Me trying to work with this file while everybody else was working corrupted it and I couldn't get it back in. I had a major panic attack and had visions of being fired, not to mention crippling the mailing department. Good thing Marcus has a cooler head than I and managed to get it fixed. Whew.

The Polar Vortex sank into the United States today and Marcus is having a panic attack of his own. The guy that Marcus hired to install the heater for our water tank/pump hasn't showed up to install it and he's panicking about all of our stuff freezing up like last year. He claims he'll be there tomorrow - I hope it is not too late.

When I upgraded to Expression Engine 2 awhile back, several of my plugins broke. One of them was the music player I had to embed mp3s into my blog posts. It was cool, except that it used flash. When I was deleting paid posts, I realized that broken player made their posts error out. I was browsing the EE forums looking for a solution when I saw a mention about using HTML 5. I asked Marcus about it and he showed me what I needed to do to make that work. I got bummed out when I realized how out of touch I've become with web coding (I've basically stopped coding since I started my current job 8 years ago). Marcus suggested a book to read, so I'm itching to learn more. I used to be really good at this stuff, I really want to be again.

Even though it is only Saturday night, here I am having a panic attack at the thought of returning to work on Monday. I'm trying to be grateful this all happened as it has been a wake-up call of how little I'm valued despite having my 8th anniversary with that company just yesterday. I know better things are out there, I just have to stay calm before I do something stupid - I have a hard time biting my tongue.

On a better note, I've been purging my blog of paid posts. It feels good every time I select a few and hit delete. It's definitely going to take a while, though. It'll be nice to finally stop getting those stupid emails of companies trying to clean up their Google rankings.

Funny to think that these posts are what was supporting me back when I got my current job. This job was also only supposed to be fore a year while I got my crap together to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I let a steady paycheck make me complacent even though I've been miserable almost the whole dang time I've worked there.

So, I was put in my place at work today. Wish I could post details, but I can't. Job hunting has started in earnest. I'm going to probably have to take a major pay cut, but at least I'll be in South Dakota and can focus on starting my own side business that will hopefully eventually become my sole source of support.

The freaky thing was reading Maria Shaw's Starscopes Newsletter when I got home:

Mars will conjunct Pluto bringing some very intense power struggles and energy to the surface November 10 to the 14th. You could really feel like blowing off some steam. People, who have been getting on your nerves, will now push you too far. But it is a great time to get moving in a new direction and these energies may help you on a new path.
....
November 12th brings a harsh and challenging aspect from Pluto and Uranus. Something out of the blue may unfold that forces you to choose a different path than you are already on. Expect the unexpected this week. This will be an interesting day because Saturn will also meet Venus and this can either bond a relationship or create an ending of some kind. If a relationship's foundation is shaky, it could crumble under this influence.

So, yeah...this coming week is going to be rough, but necessary to get me off the dead-end path I'm on and hopefully onto a better one.

Something in me snapped at work today. I'm done.

I'm so sick of being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I'm so sick of giving it my all to try to make a fucked up situation work just to get a paycheck. I'm sick of being lied to my face. I know I'm pretty good at whatever I try, but these people don't deserve my best. I won't go into details publicly, because I know this blog comes up if you search for my name, but I deserve better than this.

I was searching for something motivational to put in my line of sight at work and I came across the Steve Jobs commencement address at Stanford University. The parts that stick out for me are excerpted below:

"You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.
...
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
...
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

--Steve Jobs, June 12, 2005

I'll be honest that this colon thing has me a little freaked out. I'm also getting closer to the age that Mom was when she passed. If I don't figure out what will make me happy and do it, I'm going to die with regrets and bitterness.