Domestic Geek

Current mood: exhausted
Even though I'm totally sleepy, I can't sleep. I've got too much on my mind.

I'm wondering if I should drop school for now and focus on some other things. I've let so many things go lately: me, my house, my friendships, my job. Now my schoolwork is slipping. I was so looking forward to the web classes and I've already skipped twice. I have had too much on my plate for so long that everything is giving way at once. I'm not healthy, my relationships are not healthy. Anyone who visits here can tell that I'm not happy. I used to be. I used to have fun and took care of myself and enjoy my life. I don't know when I lost that. All I know is, I can't keep doing this.

It really sucks that they don't offer the web classes more often. I've been waiting forever to take these and now I don't want to be there. It's really stupid to keep racking up debt when you're not going to give it your all. I'm wondering if I should change my focus to multimedia and learn the web stuff on my own. Hmmm.

I guess I'll find out when I talk to the registrar chick tomorrow.

Current mood: motivated
There's been a big shake-up in my life recently. All I'm going to say about it here is that my negative attitude and disregard for my personal well-being brought me very close to losing Marcus. I've had a major attitude adjustment.

Current mood: confused
I feel lost.

I'm having one of those periods where I don't know who I am or where I'm going in life. I'm stuck in a rut and can't figure out how to get out of it. I'm doubting many of the choices I've made lately. I used to like being me and really took care of myself. I don't know why that changed. The death of KOA talk show host Ken Sasso (he was only 57) on Wednesday shocked me into realizing that I'd better figure out ways to get what I want out of life and make some pretty drastic changes before it's too late. The problem is I don't know what I really want.

I know I want a house and to get out of this stupid mobile home park. My neighbors suck ass and there are too many stupid cats around here. I miss having a garden. I know I want a better job, but what? I went to school to study web design and now that I'm finally taking the classes, I'm doubting that I can do this as a profession. I don't think I have what it takes to do this, as I'm finding that I can't be creative "on demand." I also hear the horror stories about dealing with clients and I don't think I can deal with that stupidity on a regular basis. I want to spend more time with my friends. I want to have some fun once in a while.

I hate my job but I can't leave it. Today I wanted to just walk out the front door and never come back. Unfortunately, I have too much debt to do such a rash thing. Things are getting worse at work and morale is lower than ever. The higher-ups say it's not, but I have a feeling my position is in jeopardy. Between skyrocketing cheese prices and a manager at the other store that can't control his labor costs, the owner is looking for ways to save money. The prep job is usually the second thing to go after manager bonuses get cut. Since the managers didn't get their bonuses this month, is it any wonder that I'm getting worried about my job?

I've also been wondering if I made a mistake about not having children. As messed up as I've let my life become lately, it's probably a good thing that I didn't. I still wonder if that's a decision I'm going to regret when (if) I get old.

I'm sure alot of this despair I'm feeling is from the fact that I'm burned out and I have no money. I also don't sleep well. I need a vacation badly. School doesn't go on summer break until mid-July. That's four months away. The dough situation at work is so screwed up that I've had to work every damn day. If I take time off, I don't get paid. I also need to go to the dentist, but, no money. I've got a couple of teeth that need to come out and they hurt all the time. I'm also beginning to realize that my weight is a factor in my sleeplessness. My arms go numb in the middle of the night and wake me up (too much weight on nerves?). I may also be developing Sleep Apnea. It's not uncommon among the very obese and could explain why I wake up all the time.

I wish I could just take a couple of months off from everything to rest, relax and meditate on where I want to be and figure out how to get there. Adults should be allowed to take three month summer vacations.

Current mood: crampy
I'm having cramps so bad today that I feel like I'm going to puke. Yay! I was expecting it to start on Tuesday, but as of Thursday night it hadn't. I figured I was mistaken about this being "the week", but Friday morning here it came with a vengeance. Ugh! I'm never going to have children--I wish there was some way to turn this off without surgery. Anyway, since motion is making me nauseous, I'll post a few things that I haven't gotten around to lately while I'm curled up in my chair in a fetal position waitng for the ibuprofin to kick in so I can go to work.

My house is covered in dead gnats. When I got home from work last night, the front door and porch light was a solid black, pulsing mass of the darned things. I came in the back door and turned off the light. Some of them left and I sent Skippy outside. When I let him back in, he was covered in them. I turned on my laptop and within seconds the screen was covered. I grabbed my can of air and blew them off so I could see. I went through the house to go use my Mac and noticed the dining room table was covered with gnats that had died as a result of the overhead light. They were all over my portfolio stuff. I grabbed the can of air and blew them onto the floor so their little bodies didn't leave anything on my pieces. Anyhow, this morning there are dead little gnat bodies almost everywhere. Either this evening or tomorrow I'll run the vacuum and suck them up. Don't really feel like it now. Besides, they'll be back tonight, I'm sure.

Yesterday was the first day of Spring. You wouldn't know it by the temps here. It reached almost 80°F here yesterday afternoon. I was so hot at work yesterday I thought I would faint. It didn't help that my period caused me to be warm anyway and then the swamp cooler is broken and can't be turned on and it was almost 90° in the store with really crappy ventillation. Ick!

I got my car back on Wednesday. Turns out the poor thing wouldn't start because the spark plugs/wires were toast. That's what I get for not performing routine maintenance like I should. He did do some rewiring to keep my "Check Engine" light from tripping for no reason. There was a really cool vehicle in the parking lot at the mechanic. I'll go back early next week and see if it's there again and snap a picture. It was a Subaru of some sort. It had huge tires and a raised suspension. I'd never seen anything like it. I almost went back in to ask the guy about it, but he was busy and I didn't want to bother him.

I made some coffee ice cream this morning with the machine Marcus got me for Christmas. Yum!

I've been curious about the blog publisher called WordPress. The one site that I'm really familiar with that uses it is Gina Divina. Someone emailed me about my site and asked about the post calendar. I decided now was the time to investigate it. If I can get it hacked to do everything my Movabletype does, I might switch.

Well, that's enough for now. Damn, I've got to get ready for work.

So, here’s my horoscope yesterday:I must’ve been on the wrong dock, because somehow I missed this ship’s landing.