Domestic Geek

Marcus and Mike left a little while ago for their annual Pikes Peak hike. Nina and I normally go along and spend the day hanging out in the Springs until it is time to pick them up at the summit. I just wasn't in the mood this year. So, I'm all alone at the homestead this evening and almost all day tomorrow. If I had money, I'd order myself in a pizza. *sigh* Oh, well.

Being unemployed really, really sucks. I don't see how people can stand being in this state for very long. It's been thee weeks since my last day and I'm going CRAZY! My new job is out there, I just need to find it. I have skills that want to be used.

I have decided I am NOT doing this freelance thing. Not right now, anyway. I still want to own my own business of some kind, but the time is not right. I really need the stability and security of full time job. Come on, employers, you want me!

So it hit me today while I was out having lunch with my dad today at Wendy's that I'm going to be 40 in a little over six weeks. When in the heck did that happen? Wasn't I just heading off to college? No, that happened 22 years ago! Didn't I just set my mind on getting Marcus (14 years ago)? The last 10 years of my life, especially, have gone by in a blink. I think it's because I've spent so much of it in a fog. When my mother went into a diabetic coma in November 1996, my life changed forever. I got really angry, I shut down emotionally except for lashing out at people, I became a recluse, I stopped really trying to live. I kept going to school to occupy my brain to keep from having to face things because I was too busy. I've gone though the motions of living, true. I continue to breathe and muddle through day to day, but I stopped dreaming and hoping and really feeling. I took on the attitude of "why bother?" I'll probably be dead in another 10 years or so, too. What was the point of putting effort into what you want when you won't be around anyway? I'm so grateful that Marcus stuck with me through all of that. Who knows what would've happened had he left.

It's only been in the last few months that I truly realized what I had been doing to myself. I feel a little tinge of regret of all the time I've wasted wallowing in my despair, for all the times I settled for less than I wanted, for all the opportunites that I turned my back on. I've been trying to be better. This week was hard. I can contribute some of that to good old Aunt Flo, but I did have a horrible episode of despair and depression a couple of days ago. I reached out and enjoyed myself last week only to totally turn inward and avoid people this week. It's frustrating.

Well, I guess I'd better go to bed. I'll do some reading until Marcus gets home.

I can't sleep. Too much stuff in my head and all of it making me want to cry.

Well, I stopped in at Platt and the placement woman is definitely gone. They haven't even begun looking for her replacement, though. Great. Thanks for nothing.

I'm in a horrible, defeatist mood. I hope it's just the result of PMS or something. I wish I could run away and hide.

Man, I had a horrible night. Loud neighbors arguing outside my window at 11:30 pm. Dog panting all night. Itchy skin and stuffy nose from mosquito bites. Getting up at 4 am to let the dog out. Horrible nightmares. I woke up more tired than when I went to bed.

There are two dreams that I remember clearly. The first one had Marcus and I driving east on Jewell approaching Peoria. We saw a scared Malamute standing in the road and I pulled over. While the dog had no collar, we knew he lived in the condo that he was standing in front of. The gate was cracked open, so Marcus entered to go knock on the door. It was also open and a black lab came tearing out of the place. We called the police and it turned out the owner of the two dogs had been murdered. I woke up at that, terribly freaked out. That was unnerving. The second one involved me not being able to find another job and crawling back to my old place of employment. The owner's brilliant solution to the long drive was to put a bed in every already overcrowded office and we were to sleep in shifts and not drive home. I said this was crap, I tried to leave, but I couldn't. I was a prisoner. *shudder* Fortunatley, Marcus' alarm went off and got me out of that one.

I've much to do today. I have the shower is our master bath all disassembled. I've been slacking at cleaning it and the combination of hard water and soap scum has been a nightmare to get off. I found a great cleaner at Home Depot, but the fumes are attrocious and I can't be around them for extended period of time. I'm also trying to put the track back on the door that keeps the water from going under the door. It fell off a long time ago and I've yet to put it back on. At some point I'm going to have to redo the caulk on the bottom, but not this time. We've been using the shower in the back bathroom. Marcus says it feels like using a hotel shower back there. LOL

Sending more resumes out today. I will find a job this week. I am not crawling back to my old job...ever. I'm going to swing by Platt and find out what's up with the placement department. I'd like to think that the next person can't be worse than the old one, but he/she very well could be (if they even have a replacement yet at all).

I'm having lunch with Marcus today. Once I find that new job, I won't be able to go have lunch with him anymore (unless it is in the same neighborhood).

There's a new Woody Allen movie out called Scoop. I just saw a preview. I don't understand Woody Allen at all. In that I think Bob Dillon can't sing, Woody Allen can't act. His movie themes are dumb.

OK, back to that shower.