Domestic Geek

That stupid former supervisor of mine called again this morning. He didn't leave a message, but I know what he wants because he left a message on Marcus' phone on Friday. Their stupid Filemaker server crashed last week and he expects me to help them fix it. Screw that. I don't work for you anymore. You saw to that. I'm not doing you any favors. Either the owner can fix it (he's somewhat computer literate) or you can pay a professional. Even if I wanted to help them (which I don't), I would have to drive down there to fix it. Like I remember anything I did with Filemaker over 3 months ago. I want to send him an email telling him that unless he's offering a full-time job, quit calling me. I won't, though. Creep.

I made a decision this morning that was really hard. See, I have an obsessive compulsive personality (it's why I don't let myself go gambling). You should see all of these lists I made for this stupid puzzle trying to find all the pieces. Well, this morning I'm walking away. I still had 14 pieces to find, people had found 8 more than I, I don't know where else to look and it quit being fun two days ago. I stopped. It's tempting to open the searches and start again, but I've wasted too much on this already. I think that's why I'm a little sad and a lot angry. Not because I didn't win, but because I let myself get sucked into this. I've gained a couple of pounds this week because I haven't moved from in front of this computer between both job and puzzle hunting. I'll continue the job hunt, but I need to quit wasting my time on this. My house is a mess. I'm a mess. Congratulations to whoever wins it.

Note to Self: Stop drinking carbonated beverages, especially now that you don't drink them all the time. I had a Coke with dinner because the place we went to dinner doesn't serve brewed tea (only that nasty fountain crap). I have got the worst case of heartburn right now as a result. Ugh. This sucks because I had intended on going to bed early to get a good night's rest (still trying to fight off sickness). Does a woman's immune system drop right before her period? It always seems that when I do get sick, it's right around this time of month. *sigh*

The overwhelming feeling that my whole life path is a mistake is creeping back on me. Where did I go wrong? How did I manage to screw my life up this bad? I know part of that sinking feeling is just that I'm coming up on that time of month. But just part of it. I thought by the time I hit 40, I'd have a pretty good idea of where I was going and where I wanted to be. The fact is, I've got less of a clue now than I have at any point in my life. Is it that nagging notion that I'd better hurry up and figure this out getting the best of me? I don't know. I had a thought recently that really freaked me out. If I've only got the same amount of time left on this planet that my mom had, I've only got 11 years left. See, she died right before her 51st birthday. All I do know is that I have never felt this worthless, confused, hopeless or frustrated in my entire life. It's hard to keep telling yourself you're smart and talented when you've been trying to find a job for over six months and nobody will give you a chance.

As usual, I found drawing by Hugh MacLeod of Gaping Void that depict exactly what I'm feeling right now:

I missed a call on my cell phone from my old supervisor at my old job. That's three times he called this week. Geez, wonder what the heck he wanted this time. He didn't leave a message, so who knows? What a loser jerk.

I'm in the middle of watching Click and I see that a whole bunch of puzzle pieces were released. Is something wrong with Christopher Walkin? I saw him on Regis and Kelly a little while back and he seems to be not all there. I'll have to Google that later.

Man, I totally forgot to eat. I guess I'd better go do that.