Domestic Geek

Well, I just went to the post office to mail the tax forms. I had to include an application for installments since I can't pay. *sigh* I had to pledge money monthly to pay it off by next tax time. That's would be $50 or so a month. Now I officially have bills higher than my income (without food, gas, clothing, birth control, or anything else). I can't keep this up any longer. I decided I'm not going to work tomorrow and instead work on getting my freelance business running.

It's Saturday. I didn't go to sleep until around 11pm. Why the hell was I awake at 5am? I tried for another half hour to go back to sleep, but I got up. Figured I can always get a nap in later if I start to crash.

I'm sure it's just my mind telling me that I've got a lot I need to accomplish this weekend and it's not going to let me get out of it.

While washing some dishes, I did get to see a beautiful rainbow briefly before the rain hit. Brrrr. It's a cold, windy rain. Oh, well...we need the moisture. Fire danger has been extemely high lately.

While sorting through junk, I found a packet of Lemon Cucumbers and a mini greenhouse with peat pellets that I bought last year. I doubt they'll grow, but I planted them anyway. Lemon cucumbers are really tasty. If they sprout, I'll have to put them in pots outside. I don't dare eat anything grown in the dirt around here. I really miss having a full-blown garden. A real estate agent sent Blue Spruce seedlings to people in the Larkspur area. The office manager was going to throw it out, but I took it. I'm going to try and nurture it and by the time it's big enough to plant outside, we'll be out of this hellhole.

It's amazing how many started craft projects I have. I'm torn about throwing some of those out since I already put a lot of time and effort into them. I have to seriously answer the question about whether I'll actually finish it and if I do, what would I do with the finished project? If it is just going to sit in a box for another 10 years, what's the point of wasting even more time and effort. I did throw out a huge pile of Granny Squares I had crocheted. There were also a bunch that my mother and grandmother had done. Since Grandma passed in 1984 and Mom in 1997, was I really going to make anything out of them? Doubt it. I already have a huge Granny Square bedspread that mom made for me in college that I never use. The dogs would always get their nails caught in it and it's too big and bulky to use on the couch. *sigh* I don't want to get rid of it since it's the last thing my mom made for me. Maybe I can take it apart and turn it into a couple fo smaller afghans. We'll see. Definitely a project for the future. Do you remember how Granny Square clothing was really popular in the '70s? I found an online pattern for a Granny Square Poncho that made me giggle. Mom used to make ponchos and vests for me and I'd have wear them to school. Oh...the horror!

I've got to get my life organized and back on track. I'm not allowing myself to dig into the "Teach Yourself Knitting" kit that Marcus' mother got me for Christmas until I do. I really want to get good enough to make sweaters and socks for myself like Mac does. Every time I see that she's finished a project, I want to delve into learning to knit.

I found this article about the Astrological signs of Billionaires via Amy. What the hell am I doing wrong? LOL

Well, I guess that is enough procrastinating for one morning. Have a great day!

Yesterday, my co-worker told me about a Graphic Design Seminar that they were having at my old school, Platt College, that he had to attend that evening. They had several graphic design professionals give presentations to the students about life as a designer and what to expect when they leave school. He said I should drop by, that I might enjoy it, so I did. I wasn't going to go at first. One, I don't go there anymore. Two, I was really tired. Three, I have an ass-ton of work I need to do to get this freelance thing off the ground. Traffic forced me to take the Dam Road over Cherry Creek home and since I was on Parker Road anyway, I went ahead and stopped in. I figured the worst thing that could happen is they could say I couldn't go, right? I am so glad I did! I really enjoyed listening to the guys from FL2. They're a high-end interactive agency (Web, Flash, etc.). After hearing them, I've got all sorts of motivation to get my web skills back and get a job someplace like that. It was also good to see many of my old instructors and a couple of old classmates. I really need to keep those contacts up. I've constantly kicked myself for letting a lot of my earlier relationships wither. They also had food (another plus since I haven't had much lately!). So, my desire to code for the web is back in full force. Now I just need to get my skills back!

Every day it is becoming clearer that this is not the work place I want to be at long-term. I'm already bored (after three months) with the type of design I'm doing. I also doubt very much that the owner is going to be willing to pay what I think my talents are worth. I've only recently come to realize that I know a lot of stuff. Between my technical, design, web and educational skill, I've got a lot to offer an employer. Three degrees. Common sense. Grammatical skills. Strong work ethic. Grasps new skills quickly. Self-learner. I'm glad I'm finally realizing that I'm a valuable asset with a strong skill base.

I know my place in this world has still yet to be found. I'm not going to waste another 15 years trying to find it.

When I have some money, I want to buy myself this "I Design" shirt from iBusyBodies (a CafePress store).

Why can't I come up with a great gimmick like that? They're stick figures, dang it!

I always tell myself that the American public wouldn't waste money on that, yet here I am wanting one. The American public WILL waste their money on that, especially if it is some gift-giving time like Christmas.

OK, Brain, come up with something gimmicky like that!

I've had a major shift of viewpoint lately. It could be because I've been so poor recently or it could be that as I'm nearing 40, my whole outlook on what's important in life has changed. I'm focusing less on material THINGS. I think back on all the time I wasted driving around looking for wrestling figures (hundred of dollars wrapped up and I can get about $20 for them on eBay), Star Trek stuff, scrapbooking supplies...How much money I wasted on junk that is never used...how much money I've spent storing that stuff in a storage unit...how much money I've wasted on pop/Starbucks/food to make myself almost 300 pounds...IT MAKES ME SICK! There is stuff I've been throwing away in the craft room that I ask myself, "Why in the world did I think that I ever needed that?" I could've had the life I wanted by now with a house and a garden and such, but I wallowed and spent foolishly and I have nobody to blame for where I am now but me.

I knew I was having a shift when I walked all the way through Hobby Lobby one day and didn't find one thing I really wanted to buy. The only things I want to buy now have a purpose. I need some things for my business. I need some books for some things I'm trying to learn. I need some new clothes. I need healthy food. I need to save for a vacation.

I think I was buying stuff to try and fill the emptiness in my life. Trying to numb the pain of being an outcast and being lonely. Don't get me wrong, I know I have people in my life that love me. Marcus has been the rock that has kept me relatively sane. The problem is I haven't been loving me. I took a turn in college where I really liked myself to really hating myself. I started letting myself be abused by people, started expecting less of myself, started giving up on my dreams, started gaining a lot of weight. The problems compounded when my mother died and my sister turned on me. I became an extremely angry, depressed, hopeless person. I'm trying to let all the anger and resentment go. It's not healthy and it serves no purpose except to keep me stuck.

It dawned on me as I was sifting through junk last night that I have been wanting to start my own business for over 17 years. Mom and I used to talk about starting something long before I met Marcus (our 14th anniversary is coming up). What has been holding me back? I wish I knew. I still don't know. It can't be fear of my life getting worse, because it is sucking pretty bad right now. Moving forward with my design business will be the greatest thing I can do for myself right now. I'm never going to get rich working hard everyday for somebody else.

Well, all of that being said, time for me to get back to work. Have a great day, everybody!