Domestic Geek

Yesterday, my co-worker told me about a Graphic Design Seminar that they were having at my old school, Platt College, that he had to attend that evening. They had several graphic design professionals give presentations to the students about life as a designer and what to expect when they leave school. He said I should drop by, that I might enjoy it, so I did. I wasn't going to go at first. One, I don't go there anymore. Two, I was really tired. Three, I have an ass-ton of work I need to do to get this freelance thing off the ground. Traffic forced me to take the Dam Road over Cherry Creek home and since I was on Parker Road anyway, I went ahead and stopped in. I figured the worst thing that could happen is they could say I couldn't go, right? I am so glad I did! I really enjoyed listening to the guys from FL2. They're a high-end interactive agency (Web, Flash, etc.). After hearing them, I've got all sorts of motivation to get my web skills back and get a job someplace like that. It was also good to see many of my old instructors and a couple of old classmates. I really need to keep those contacts up. I've constantly kicked myself for letting a lot of my earlier relationships wither. They also had food (another plus since I haven't had much lately!). So, my desire to code for the web is back in full force. Now I just need to get my skills back!

Every day it is becoming clearer that this is not the work place I want to be at long-term. I'm already bored (after three months) with the type of design I'm doing. I also doubt very much that the owner is going to be willing to pay what I think my talents are worth. I've only recently come to realize that I know a lot of stuff. Between my technical, design, web and educational skill, I've got a lot to offer an employer. Three degrees. Common sense. Grammatical skills. Strong work ethic. Grasps new skills quickly. Self-learner. I'm glad I'm finally realizing that I'm a valuable asset with a strong skill base.

I know my place in this world has still yet to be found. I'm not going to waste another 15 years trying to find it.

When I have some money, I want to buy myself this "I Design" shirt from iBusyBodies (a CafePress store).

Why can't I come up with a great gimmick like that? They're stick figures, dang it!

I always tell myself that the American public wouldn't waste money on that, yet here I am wanting one. The American public WILL waste their money on that, especially if it is some gift-giving time like Christmas.

OK, Brain, come up with something gimmicky like that!

I've had a major shift of viewpoint lately. It could be because I've been so poor recently or it could be that as I'm nearing 40, my whole outlook on what's important in life has changed. I'm focusing less on material THINGS. I think back on all the time I wasted driving around looking for wrestling figures (hundred of dollars wrapped up and I can get about $20 for them on eBay), Star Trek stuff, scrapbooking supplies...How much money I wasted on junk that is never used...how much money I've spent storing that stuff in a storage unit...how much money I've wasted on pop/Starbucks/food to make myself almost 300 pounds...IT MAKES ME SICK! There is stuff I've been throwing away in the craft room that I ask myself, "Why in the world did I think that I ever needed that?" I could've had the life I wanted by now with a house and a garden and such, but I wallowed and spent foolishly and I have nobody to blame for where I am now but me.

I knew I was having a shift when I walked all the way through Hobby Lobby one day and didn't find one thing I really wanted to buy. The only things I want to buy now have a purpose. I need some things for my business. I need some books for some things I'm trying to learn. I need some new clothes. I need healthy food. I need to save for a vacation.

I think I was buying stuff to try and fill the emptiness in my life. Trying to numb the pain of being an outcast and being lonely. Don't get me wrong, I know I have people in my life that love me. Marcus has been the rock that has kept me relatively sane. The problem is I haven't been loving me. I took a turn in college where I really liked myself to really hating myself. I started letting myself be abused by people, started expecting less of myself, started giving up on my dreams, started gaining a lot of weight. The problems compounded when my mother died and my sister turned on me. I became an extremely angry, depressed, hopeless person. I'm trying to let all the anger and resentment go. It's not healthy and it serves no purpose except to keep me stuck.

It dawned on me as I was sifting through junk last night that I have been wanting to start my own business for over 17 years. Mom and I used to talk about starting something long before I met Marcus (our 14th anniversary is coming up). What has been holding me back? I wish I knew. I still don't know. It can't be fear of my life getting worse, because it is sucking pretty bad right now. Moving forward with my design business will be the greatest thing I can do for myself right now. I'm never going to get rich working hard everyday for somebody else.

Well, all of that being said, time for me to get back to work. Have a great day, everybody!

I've blocked and/or try not to think about a lot of things that happened in my youth. As I was going through a box of Mom's old craft supplies that I had back in my craft room, I found some stuff that made me remember: I used to be a Camp Fire Girl.

I didn't even want to be one. All of my friends were Girl Scouts (Brownies). I got stuck being a Bluebird because then my sister could join, too. She wasn't old enough to be a Brownie yet. Except for a week-long horseback riding camp that I went to one summer and that I got to learn archery, I don't have any good memories of that time. In fact, except for my sister, I couldn't name a single person in that picture. We stayed involved as long as we did because it was really Mom's thing. She was a group leader, candy chairman, day camp leader, etc. I just remember being an outcast everywhere I went. I was the shy, fat girl that nobody wanted around. I hated selling candy door-to-door. I was so grateful when Mom got involved in the music stuff we were doing and we didn't have time for Camp Fire anymore.

It makes me a little sad now when I try to dredge up memories of what I accomplished in those many years I did that and I can't really come up with much. It is just one more example of having gone through the motions doing something I didn't want to do for the sake of someone else.

I have this amazingly goofy habit. Almost every morning I leave the house with a plastic glass of some sort of beverage (tea, water, etc.) to have something to sip as I drive. Everytime I get home, I totally forget to take the glass inside with me. The next morning, I move the empty glass to the backseat to make room for the new one,,,and on and on it goes until I either have to clean the car out for some reason (mechanic, passengers) or I run out of glasses in the house.