Domestic Geek

When I have some money, I want to buy myself this "I Design" shirt from iBusyBodies (a CafePress store).

Why can't I come up with a great gimmick like that? They're stick figures, dang it!

I always tell myself that the American public wouldn't waste money on that, yet here I am wanting one. The American public WILL waste their money on that, especially if it is some gift-giving time like Christmas.

OK, Brain, come up with something gimmicky like that!

I've had a major shift of viewpoint lately. It could be because I've been so poor recently or it could be that as I'm nearing 40, my whole outlook on what's important in life has changed. I'm focusing less on material THINGS. I think back on all the time I wasted driving around looking for wrestling figures (hundred of dollars wrapped up and I can get about $20 for them on eBay), Star Trek stuff, scrapbooking supplies...How much money I wasted on junk that is never used...how much money I've spent storing that stuff in a storage unit...how much money I've wasted on pop/Starbucks/food to make myself almost 300 pounds...IT MAKES ME SICK! There is stuff I've been throwing away in the craft room that I ask myself, "Why in the world did I think that I ever needed that?" I could've had the life I wanted by now with a house and a garden and such, but I wallowed and spent foolishly and I have nobody to blame for where I am now but me.

I knew I was having a shift when I walked all the way through Hobby Lobby one day and didn't find one thing I really wanted to buy. The only things I want to buy now have a purpose. I need some things for my business. I need some books for some things I'm trying to learn. I need some new clothes. I need healthy food. I need to save for a vacation.

I think I was buying stuff to try and fill the emptiness in my life. Trying to numb the pain of being an outcast and being lonely. Don't get me wrong, I know I have people in my life that love me. Marcus has been the rock that has kept me relatively sane. The problem is I haven't been loving me. I took a turn in college where I really liked myself to really hating myself. I started letting myself be abused by people, started expecting less of myself, started giving up on my dreams, started gaining a lot of weight. The problems compounded when my mother died and my sister turned on me. I became an extremely angry, depressed, hopeless person. I'm trying to let all the anger and resentment go. It's not healthy and it serves no purpose except to keep me stuck.

It dawned on me as I was sifting through junk last night that I have been wanting to start my own business for over 17 years. Mom and I used to talk about starting something long before I met Marcus (our 14th anniversary is coming up). What has been holding me back? I wish I knew. I still don't know. It can't be fear of my life getting worse, because it is sucking pretty bad right now. Moving forward with my design business will be the greatest thing I can do for myself right now. I'm never going to get rich working hard everyday for somebody else.

Well, all of that being said, time for me to get back to work. Have a great day, everybody!

I've blocked and/or try not to think about a lot of things that happened in my youth. As I was going through a box of Mom's old craft supplies that I had back in my craft room, I found some stuff that made me remember: I used to be a Camp Fire Girl.

I didn't even want to be one. All of my friends were Girl Scouts (Brownies). I got stuck being a Bluebird because then my sister could join, too. She wasn't old enough to be a Brownie yet. Except for a week-long horseback riding camp that I went to one summer and that I got to learn archery, I don't have any good memories of that time. In fact, except for my sister, I couldn't name a single person in that picture. We stayed involved as long as we did because it was really Mom's thing. She was a group leader, candy chairman, day camp leader, etc. I just remember being an outcast everywhere I went. I was the shy, fat girl that nobody wanted around. I hated selling candy door-to-door. I was so grateful when Mom got involved in the music stuff we were doing and we didn't have time for Camp Fire anymore.

It makes me a little sad now when I try to dredge up memories of what I accomplished in those many years I did that and I can't really come up with much. It is just one more example of having gone through the motions doing something I didn't want to do for the sake of someone else.

I have this amazingly goofy habit. Almost every morning I leave the house with a plastic glass of some sort of beverage (tea, water, etc.) to have something to sip as I drive. Everytime I get home, I totally forget to take the glass inside with me. The next morning, I move the empty glass to the backseat to make room for the new one,,,and on and on it goes until I either have to clean the car out for some reason (mechanic, passengers) or I run out of glasses in the house.

I guess I'm back in an insomnia phase. It took me hours to go to sleep last night and yet here I am—wide awake at 7:00 am. *sigh* I hope I can get a nap in today or get to sleep early tonight or I'm not going to do well at work on Monday.

It snowed a little last night. Tomorrow is the first day of Spring. I really, really, really wish the weather would warm up for good. The teaser of warm weather we had a couple of weeks back sucked. Perfect weather. I loved it. Now this. Oh, well.

Well, I've got Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and The Return of Spinal Tap to watch from Netflix today. I think I'll set my laptop up back in the craft room and watch while I clean. That room is a disaster area. I'm going to turn it into my home office, so I won't get distracted (as much) when I get some freelance work. I debated about turning the bunny room into my office, but they have too much hair and dander flying around in there to be good for my computer stuff.