Domestic Geek

How To Thoroughly Clean The Toilet

1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
   
   
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
   
   
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
   
   
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash " and "rinse".)
   
   
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
   
   
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
   
   
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely,
The Dog

(Thanks to Marcus!)

A gal at work sent me an email last night that made me giggle. It kind of sums of the whole way I've been all week:

Changing A Light Bulb (PMS Version)

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else
in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that
the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before
they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD
for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually
find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT
WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE
EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!


I'm sorry.... What was the question?

The following image was submitted to me today from our dear friend Mikey:



In case you didn't know, Marcus delights in capturing pics of his friends whizzing in the woods.

The following was sent to me by my friend, Nina:

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixtyyears."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain 20 people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

Monkey said! , "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family; For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.

Life has now been explained.

Over the past several years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than has been spent on Alzheimer's research. Scientists predict that by 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.
(from the May 2003 issue of Playboy)