Domestic Geek

Marcus has said a couple of things to me recently in conversations we have had (I'm not going to say what exactly), that really has me taking a hard look at why I live the way I do. My whole life I have tried to be the good girl and do what I'm supposed to do. Meanwhile, people all around me get away with pulling all kinds of crap with no real repercussions. I also believed for so long that what I really wanted didn't matter, so why bother? I've been living so long trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be, that I never really figured out what I want. There was a conversation on the radio the other day about what would you do with your life if money was not a concern. Sadly, I really don't know what I want. I have a lot of interests, but I don't have a true passion for anything. I think one of the reasons I get so angry all the time is that I'm frustrated with my life and I don't know what to do about it. It may also be part of why I procrastinate so much, as well. I put everything off because nothing feels genuine.

I used to watch Steve Jobs do his Apple keynotes and be so envious of the excitement he had for what he did. I've been trying to meditate to get through the mental clutter to see if I can find that thing that is my reason for being. I'm just so tired of going through the motions of living with nothing to show for it.

A couple of my co-workers recently have had health scares (one had to have a hysterectomy, another waiting for test results to see if she has cancer), which has also got me wanting to get more out of the time I have left. I'm less than 5 years away from the age Mom was when she passed. While it is true that I eat better and don't smoke like she did, that nagging fear that I'll die early like she did is always in the back of my mind. I was looking at my 101 in 1001 page yesterday to see all the things I want to do, yet I never make time for. I also was blown away looking at some of my past blog posts and seeing that I have the same issues year after year after year. I've got to stop making excuses and rationales for why my life isn't the way I want and start finding ways to make things happen. This stagnation thing really sucks.

Anyway, here's one of my favorite Job's quotes -