Domestic Geek

Yay, my insomnia is back full force. I tried to go to sleep a couple of hours ago, but I've got so much on my brain, I can't. I never thought that on my 40th birthday, I'd be up in the middle of the night bawling like a baby because my life is spiraling out of control and everything I do to try and make it better somehow always makes it worse. Something in my life right now has got to give. I'm tired of going in the wrong direction, making the wrong choices. I'm begging the universe to give me some clue as to what I need to be doing, what move I should make. I just want a job that pays enough money to live comfortably, that gives me some sort of satisfaction, that doesn't feel pointless.

I'm on the verge of going back to pizza. My brakes and the price of gas are the only things that have kept me from applying again so far. I don't want to deliver pizzas again. I know I won't make the kind of money I used to. It'll ruin my car. It's going in the wrong direction, but I don't know what else to do. I only qualified for about $3,000 in unemployment. That'll be gone before I know it.

I wish I had an inkling of another line of work to try or some other type of job I'd be good at. I can't go back to school yet again. I'm already going to be paying off student loan debt until I"m dead.

I wish I knew what to do.

So, nothing like wondering why you haven't heard from a place you sent a resume to that you really wanted to work at only to realize that you have a typo in your cover letter and said cover letter states you have high attention to detail. Said cover letter was also proofread by the placement coordinator. Whoo Hooo! Gee, wonder why they wouldn't call after that?

I almost forgot to write about this. Laura had a little gathering at her house Friday night to celebrate Colleen being in town. I was lucky enough to be invited. Except for a brief passing at WalMart one morning, I hadn't seen Laura in person since her wedding last September. I'm such a chicken about social gatherings and since Marcus couldn't go with me, I almost didn't go. I'm glad I kicked myself in gear, because I had a good time! I only briefly met Colleen at the wedding, though I've been to her site a zillion times. It was good to see her. She taught me how to do a knit stitch. Yay!!! Laura's husband, Paul, is quite the handyman. He built an awesome outside grill, complete with a sink! I'm so jealous of it. They have a gas fire pit that we all sat around, drank and roasted marshmallows and hot dogs. Hopefully, soon, one of the two of them will post pictures!

Note to self: find font for headers that has punctuation.

I came to a grim realization on Friday. I hate being a graphic designer. I don't hate making things in programs, but I hate the industry. I hate people wanting the world, but not wanting to pay for it. I also know why most of the design you see is crap and everybody uses Times New Roman or Helvetica. When a salesman puts two hours art charges into an estimate for three separate menu variations for a client, no wonder people give in and churn out crap. There was an hour or better of copy. I already spent two hours alone just cloning out the frickin' time stamp the salesman inadvertantly turned on when taking pictures of the client's food. Also, the food pictures suck. They want the food cut out of the background, yet many of the pictures have parts of the plates cut off. Grrrr. I also hate using Adobe programs on a PC. I'm a Mac person. I know the mac shortcuts. I'm tired of hitting the damned windows menu key. The stress of all of this is making my chest hurt. I've got that panic attack thing going on already. I just don't have the temperment to design things for other people. This place also doesn't have set hours. I've not been told how many hours I am expected to put in, I can't get there before 11 am, so no way I can get in 8 hours a day. Part of me wishes I hadn't accepted this work, but part of me is realizing it is a blessing: I strongly realize what it is I don't want to do.

Also, I hate advertising. I hate the marketing field. I think it's all a crock of sh*t.

I'm going to concentrate on finding something in web. Behind the scenes. Not design. Marcus was right when he said I need to get back towards the technical side. Delve back into coding. *sigh* Part of me wishes I could just tell them this isn't working and not come back. The other part of me (the part that will win) will stay until their little ad magazine goes to press at the end of the month and take my leave. Unless somebody hires me away sooner. They understand that I am looking elsewhere. Please, somebody in the web field hire me now!!!!!!

So, today is the last day of being a thirty something. Remember that show? LOL

We had a mini birthday gathering yesterday with Mike and Nina. Dinner at Chili's and then a DQ ice cream cake here. YUM!

Mike and Nina got me one of those musical cards that Hallmark is selling now (it plays Spinal Tap) and Scott Kelby's Photoshop Channels book. Marcus purchased me an Expression Engine 1.5 license and then made an awesome little case for it.