WARNING: MAJOR WOE AHEAD! (You've been warned...)
Man, I got up this morning ready to tackle my problems head-on. That lasted about a half hour before the heavy weight of depression crushed my spirit. I absolutely hate it when I get like this, but it seems no amount of positive thinking can overcome it. I know it will pass. It just really sucks in the mean time.
No Christmas for me this year. I made up my mind this morning. This little Christmas design for my blog is about all I can muster this year. In fact, the design is a little representation of what I'm feeling this year. Cold. Lonely. One isolated little Christmas ornament. What is the point of stressing over where I'm going to get money for gifts when I'm not even covering my bills? I had hoped to sell some of my things on eBay to get some Xmas cash, but apparently I don't own anything that anybody else wants. So, that's it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm not getting gifts for anybody this year. I hope those people that I normally exchange gifts with understand. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you saved your money and didn't get me anything, either. It's not that I wouldn't have appreciated the gift, but I'm just not into this holiday this year. I feel like a total scrooge, but there's nothing I can do about it at this late date (unless somebody very close to me wins the lottery or something). There's only 13 days left. I've got over a grand in unpaid bills right now since I've been underemployed for over a month. One of those is my car payment. I've been ignoring phone calls from creditors all day. I should've declared bankruptcy before the law changed, but I was trying to protect my credit rating. Guess that's all shot to hell now. I knew I was going to be screwed once the student loans kicked in if anything bad ever happened. Now I am. Joy.
I also missed the annual tree-cutting expedition this year. I was stuck at that suck-ass pizza job. The heat has been out at work while we were in the midst of our subzero cold snap. I got to work in 40°F conditions with a wind blowing in the non-weather-stripped back door. I've also been sick all week. Being so cold at work that your back aches from just standing there doesn't help one get over being sick. I didn't need or want to be wandering around the cold forest looking for an elusive tree. Marcus brought one home, but I'm in no mood to decorate it. I'm not even sure if I can get to my decorations in storage since I haven't paid the bill. They've probably put a lock on our storage unit.
I have only had one day off from the pizza place in a long time and that was Thanksgiving. We don't have enough trays to do enough dough for me to take a day off and nobody there will make dough when I'm not there. They claim they don't know how, which is a crock. I didn't go in today, even though I couldn't get it all done yesterday. I used every tray we had and there was not enough. Sad thing is, we had enough at one point. A certain spoiled bitch manager (the one the manager that killed himself had a thing for) threw out every one of a certain kind because she didn't like them. There was nothing wrong with them other than they annoyed her. Stupid suicde manger let her do it. Now I don't have enough trays to do my job and get a day off.
To make matters even worse, that same spoiled, lazy, control-freak brat 3rd assistant manager has been fucking with me. I wish I could've just thrown the store key in her face yesterday and never came back. I can't deal with that place anymore. I have NEVER worked at a place that was so dysfunctional. I had hoped that after the manager's suicide that the crew would come together. HA! I forgot that he trained all of them. I get myself in so much trouble grasping onto what things could be instead of dealing with the reality of what is. The reality is that most of the crew there is mean. They get joy out of other's pain. They treat everybody, not just me, like dirt below their feet, including customers. I've never fit in there and I need to get away from there for good. Once I find a replacement job for the screen-printer gig, I've got to find something to do on the side to make up the pizza income. I'm being abused there and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Finally, I always get really sad about my mom's death this time of year, but I'm really missing her bad this year. Dad is, too. He sent me an email this morning telling me so. I called him right away and he came over to take me out to lunch. In case anyone reading this didn't know, my mom went into a diabetic coma between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 1996. They kept her alive so we wouldn't have to deal with her actual passing during the holidays. She passed on January 4, 1997--two days before her 52nd birthday. You'd think I'd be able to handle it better after 9 years, but I don't.
Great. My period just started. Early.
I'm really cold right now. I think I'm going to go take a long, hot shower.
Man, I got up this morning ready to tackle my problems head-on. That lasted about a half hour before the heavy weight of depression crushed my spirit. I absolutely hate it when I get like this, but it seems no amount of positive thinking can overcome it. I know it will pass. It just really sucks in the mean time.
No Christmas for me this year. I made up my mind this morning. This little Christmas design for my blog is about all I can muster this year. In fact, the design is a little representation of what I'm feeling this year. Cold. Lonely. One isolated little Christmas ornament. What is the point of stressing over where I'm going to get money for gifts when I'm not even covering my bills? I had hoped to sell some of my things on eBay to get some Xmas cash, but apparently I don't own anything that anybody else wants. So, that's it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm not getting gifts for anybody this year. I hope those people that I normally exchange gifts with understand. In fact, I'd appreciate it if you saved your money and didn't get me anything, either. It's not that I wouldn't have appreciated the gift, but I'm just not into this holiday this year. I feel like a total scrooge, but there's nothing I can do about it at this late date (unless somebody very close to me wins the lottery or something). There's only 13 days left. I've got over a grand in unpaid bills right now since I've been underemployed for over a month. One of those is my car payment. I've been ignoring phone calls from creditors all day. I should've declared bankruptcy before the law changed, but I was trying to protect my credit rating. Guess that's all shot to hell now. I knew I was going to be screwed once the student loans kicked in if anything bad ever happened. Now I am. Joy.
I also missed the annual tree-cutting expedition this year. I was stuck at that suck-ass pizza job. The heat has been out at work while we were in the midst of our subzero cold snap. I got to work in 40°F conditions with a wind blowing in the non-weather-stripped back door. I've also been sick all week. Being so cold at work that your back aches from just standing there doesn't help one get over being sick. I didn't need or want to be wandering around the cold forest looking for an elusive tree. Marcus brought one home, but I'm in no mood to decorate it. I'm not even sure if I can get to my decorations in storage since I haven't paid the bill. They've probably put a lock on our storage unit.
I have only had one day off from the pizza place in a long time and that was Thanksgiving. We don't have enough trays to do enough dough for me to take a day off and nobody there will make dough when I'm not there. They claim they don't know how, which is a crock. I didn't go in today, even though I couldn't get it all done yesterday. I used every tray we had and there was not enough. Sad thing is, we had enough at one point. A certain spoiled bitch manager (the one the manager that killed himself had a thing for) threw out every one of a certain kind because she didn't like them. There was nothing wrong with them other than they annoyed her. Stupid suicde manger let her do it. Now I don't have enough trays to do my job and get a day off.
To make matters even worse, that same spoiled, lazy, control-freak brat 3rd assistant manager has been fucking with me. I wish I could've just thrown the store key in her face yesterday and never came back. I can't deal with that place anymore. I have NEVER worked at a place that was so dysfunctional. I had hoped that after the manager's suicide that the crew would come together. HA! I forgot that he trained all of them. I get myself in so much trouble grasping onto what things could be instead of dealing with the reality of what is. The reality is that most of the crew there is mean. They get joy out of other's pain. They treat everybody, not just me, like dirt below their feet, including customers. I've never fit in there and I need to get away from there for good. Once I find a replacement job for the screen-printer gig, I've got to find something to do on the side to make up the pizza income. I'm being abused there and I'm not going to take it anymore.
Finally, I always get really sad about my mom's death this time of year, but I'm really missing her bad this year. Dad is, too. He sent me an email this morning telling me so. I called him right away and he came over to take me out to lunch. In case anyone reading this didn't know, my mom went into a diabetic coma between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 1996. They kept her alive so we wouldn't have to deal with her actual passing during the holidays. She passed on January 4, 1997--two days before her 52nd birthday. You'd think I'd be able to handle it better after 9 years, but I don't.
Great. My period just started. Early.
I'm really cold right now. I think I'm going to go take a long, hot shower.
Denis Leary—Voices In My Head
Name: LaDonna
