Domestic Geek

I saw this meme over at Laura's.



Ten Things I’d Do if I had More Time

1. Have a healthy, home-cooked meal on the table every night for Marcus.
2. Join some kind of women's crafting club (knitting, crocheting, quilting, scrapbooking?)
3. Spend more quality time with my dad.
4. Talk classes--I love learning things.
5. Volunteer.
6. Finish the tons of projects I have started.
7. Get rid of unnecessary files on my hard drives.
8. Redesign my web sites.
9. Get a puppy.
10. Read more books.

Damn, this is becoming the dreaded Blog of Woe® again. I am so freaking down right now. I'm sick. I'm coughing . My throat hurts. I can't see well and have been getting terrible eye strain headaches since my glasses broke. I haven't had sex since March because I don't have the money to get my annual exam and pills and since I'm allergic to both spermicides and latex, that avenue is out. Not running the risk of conceiving a kid I don't want. I really don't want to go to this lame little contract job tomorrow. My despair and lack of cash is starting to wear on Marcus, as well. He won't admit it, but I can tell. I never heard back from the agency I contacted the other day about my depression. It's a good thing I'm not suicidal. I'll have to find another one, I guess. Story of my life, eh?

The good news is that we can probably find space for everything that we want to keep from storage. We still throw stuff away everytime we go over there. I haven't used anything from over there except the Christmas stuff since we moved here four years ago. There is a huge majority of stuff that hasn't been used since we moved out to Byers seven years ago. I'm glad I'm losing my attachment to all that junk. Who cares that I was voted most impoved sophomore at the music banquet back in 1982? If I don't, I seriously doubt that anybody else on this planet cares.

It struck me that I've really become detached from my past life. Things that used to be so important to me seem like they happened to someone else. It's sad. I wondered today if it is a side effect or coping mechanism I've developed because of the depression. Except for an occassional phone call with my one friend from college, I don't have any ties to anybody from the time I was born until I I met Dave, Mike and Marcus (except for my dad, that is). How weird and wrong is that? I'm pretty sure that I would've lost contact with Mike and Dave by now if they weren't friends of Marcus. I don't know why I can't/won't build lasting relationships with people.

Well, at least the Broncos won today. Yay, Elam!

Ever since I worked at the screenprinter, I've been enamored with the idea of selling shrits online. I've got a problem with Cafepress' TOS, so I'm looking for other alternatives (to actually having them printed and shipped myself). I found a link to a site called Spreadshirt. Must look into this site this weekend.

I drove all the way over there and nobobdy was there AGAIN! This is unacceptable. I'm just about ready to tell them to f*ck off.

I sent an email off to a local mental health facility to see if anybody could offer advice on how to get myself some help. I'm tired of not living my life and if it is indeed depression that has been hindering me, I want to find out and fix it. I can't really remember the last time I felt truly happy and at peace. The most annoying thing is that I can't concentrate. That is so unlike me. I used to be able to concentrate on coding for hours on end. Now, I can't remember what I intended to do like 2 seconds ago.

Here I sit again...middle of the night and I can't sleep. Stupid raccoons fighting outside woke me up about and hour and a half ago. This lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body. I'm sick. My throat hurts. I'm coughing. I had a bone-chilling fever earlier. I hate this. I was researching depression and reading some message boards earlier this evening before Marcus got home from work. I've got to find a way to get help for this. I read that prolonged untreated depression can cause permanent changes in the physiology of the brain. Great. All I know is, I can't concentrate. I don't pursue my hobbies. The whole day can go by and I'll have not accomplished jack. I could've accomplished tons in the two months I've been out of work, but I haven't. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and out of whack. Is there anyplace you can go to get help if you have no money?

I don't want to go back to that job again ever. I went back after 1:30 knowing that the other designer would be there. I really wanted to talk to my boss about finishing the project I am working on and then not coming back. He still wasn't in. *sigh* I brought the project home to work on it and of course I haven't touched it. Now I don't know if I really hate being a designer or if it's the jobs I have had or if it is the depression itself making me want to flee.

Well, I guess I'd better try to get back to sleep.