Domestic Geek

It hit me hard this morning how much deep shit I've gotten myself into.

I'm trying to remain positive. Really, I am.

After all the reading I've been doing on The Law of Attraction and manifesting, I know that my negativity has gotten me to this point. I pretty much asked for all of this on both conscious and subconscious levels. I wish I could get to the core of why I am so angry and why I sabotage myself. It's hard for me to maintain friendships. I'm so reclusive and withdraw from things and people so easily. I want to be left alone, yet I crave validation and acceptance. I'm feeling so lost right now. I am starting to doubt myself again. I feel myself slipping into one of those deep depressions that I go into every so often where my whole existance seems pointless. What is my passion? If I never had to worry about money, what would I want to do? What would make me happy? I...just...don't...know.

I've read that meditation can help you find your purpose and find peace. I've been unable to truly disconnect from what is going on around me. My brain is so full of thoughts that I can't seem to turn them off.

Wow, I've had a lot going on this week:

On Monday, I drove down to Colorado Springs to meet with a new client. I got a little nostalgic and was wishing I could move back down there until I took a drive down Academy Blvd. Totally reminded me of one of the reasons I hated living there. People down there drive worse than up here. Then, I watched a cool movie called The Secret. It's about manifesting and the Law of Attraction, etc. I've really been intrigued by this kind of thought, lately. I'll post more of my thoughts on that subject later.

I had many errands to run on Tuesday and spent a lot of time hanging out in the bookstores. I hit Tattered Cover again. Still wasn't impressed. I stopped in at Barnes & Noble on Colorado Blvd. and found that a book that I had recently bought now had a 40% off sticker on it. Oh, well. I splurged and bought myself a pair of biking gloves at Bicycle Village. They were black/yellow and match my bike. I've been tryng to run down a matching helmet (mine is over 15 years old and it finally fell apart). You'd think with as popular the Tour is and how popular Lance is, that you could find yellow helmets aplenty. Not so. I can get a Giro Atmos LiveStrong helmet for $189.99. Yeah.

Wednesday got to a 100°F--that totally sucked. Dad took me out to lunch, though. Then I went and got myself a PO Box for my freelancing. I guess I'm really going to do this after all. Plus, I signed up for the Blogathon. Please sponsor me! You don't have to fulfill your pledge until after the event is over. I've got one pledge so far (Thanks, Yoshi!). C'mon guys--it's a good cause. Lance would want you to sponsor me! I watched the last disk for season one of 24. I hated the ending! Not cool. Oh, and I got to steam clean Skippy diarrhea out of the carpet. That was fun in triple digit heat.

Yesterday, I took myself on a bike ride (ended up riding around Fairmount Cemetary of all places). I tried to find my grandmother's grave, but it's been so long since I've been that I couldn't find it. On the way back to my car, I stopped and visited with my friend Nina for a bit. I went home and took a shower because I was hot and stinky. As soon as I got out of the shower, my friend Dave stopped by out of the blue to take me to lunch. I got a call from someone wanting me to come interview for a part-time job. I googled the phone number and the business is over at Colfax and Carr. Um, too far for part-time. Plus, it was for a place that I told the placement woman I didn't want to work for (a classified ad paper place--I know that work would be super boring!).

Today I spent most of the day with an old friend from Platt. I emailed her earlier in the week and told her we needed to get together soon. I had my first appletini and my first sushi. She took me to Tokyo Joe's for lunch and she got us some California Rolls. Not too bad. I've been on a mission to do things that I've been meaning to do but haven't for one lame excuse or another. She informed me that the placement woman from Platt no longer works there. It would've been nice to be informed of this. No wonder she hasn't done shit to help me find work (except batch send my resume to someplace I told her not to). Apparently, nobody has been hired to replace her. Nice. I might stop in Monday to find out what the heck is going on there. Grrrrr.

I've also been watching le Tour de France with Marcus all week. He's obsessed. I never thought I'd be watching cycling on TV. I still don't totally get the stategerie that goes into this sport, but I know there is method to the madness. It amazes me that people can make a living riding a bike!

So, this week has reminded my why I hate having a M–F 8–5 job. It was great having the freedom to hang with friends and be home so my poor old dog doesn't have to be cooped up all day. I'm going to be posting stuff on ebay tomorrow. I've really got to push this freelance thing and I need to get an office phone. Trying to take notes while on my cell is a pain. Plus, my ear gets hot.

Well, that's enough for now. SPONSOR ME!!!!!!!

Note to self:Morgan Spurlock's 30 Days series starts again next Wednesday.

♫♫♫♫♫

So, while purusing the job listings on craigslist, I saw a post that had music notes in the title. ♫ will render these. Cool.

I feel totally weird right now. I know it's Sunday because I just watched The 4400 and The Dead Zone, but I don't have work tomorrow. It's been a long time since I've been totally unemployed. Underemployed...many times, but I think October '99 was the last time I didn't have a job at all. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared as shit right now. Remember how I said the owner wanted to chat before I left? We didn't. He had tons of opportunities last Friday to come up and talk to me. For half the day, I was the only one left in the office. No, he spent all of his time packing up his Hummer and boat for his Lake Powell trip. Oh, well. Don't care anymore. I've got a couple of leads for some freelance work (thanks to one of the franchise owners of my old job) that I need to pursue tomorrow. I've got a pit of a house to clean up. I've got my new job to find. If I keep myself busy, I won't go crazy.

My stress is causing insomnia again. My dog won't let me try to sleep tonight. I might as well post.

I wish I had remembered what day it was earlier. The second Thursday of every month is psychic night on 850 KOA Rick Barber's show. That was my favorite night back when I made dough. I caught the last 15 minutes of it.

Looking at my Branica stats, I remembered something I wanted to post about: I don't like the new Tattered Cover location.

Since it was rainy and dreary last Saturday and I had to take Marcus' deposit to the bank anyway, I decided to head down there to check it out. It's on Colfax a couple of blocks east of University. My first impression was not good: there was a bunch of construction going on in that area and it took forever just to get into the parking lost. Then, the parking garage is tiny with not enough room for two cars to pass each other in the turns. I almost gave up at that point. I decided to press on. I made the mistake of entering through the "cafe" door. An employee was set up at a table right inside the door giving out samples of something. The group around her was blocking the entrance and impeding my retreat from the rain. When I finally made my way in, my heart sank. It seemed old and dingy already. One of the great things about the old location was the multiple floors to disperse the crowds. Not so here. The shelves were tightly packed into only two floors. There were no places to escape people like at the old one. Seating is limited. Every time I tried to browse a section, I was in somebody's way. After a little over a half hour, my claustrophobia got the best of me and I had to get out of there. I was not impressed. I may try to give it another chance next week since I'll be unemployed. Maybe it will be better during the week when the weather is better. We'll see.

As for my breakdown: I got news yesterday that the trade show place I wanted to work for went with someone else. The headwear place reposted their listing on Craigslist, yet didn't call me. I resubmitted my resume, but am losing hope about that. I have two days of work left, no job prospect and I'm starting to panic. Out of curiosity, I looked at my biorhythm widget and all of my waves are at a low point. My ruling planet, Mercury, is in retrograde. Yay. I sank into horrible despair yesterday. The tiniest thing sent me bawling. I keep trying to remain positive, but I'm slipping. I racked up $50,000 in student loan debt, got out of school over a year ago and I'm worse off than I've been at almost any time in my adult life except for the period I had living in Colorado Springs. People keep telling me how talented I am, so how come I can't get a job?

Our office manager is fixing a big lunch for us today as kind of a going away thing for me. That's going to be hard to deal with. It'd be OK if I was leaving with another job lined up. A couple of days ago, the owner said he wanted to talk to me before my last day (about what?--there's really nothing to talk about), but he's more interested in getting ready for his Lake Powell trip next week. One of the franchise owners is taking me out to dinner this evening as a "thank you" for the work I did. She knows a lot of people, I'd like to keep her as a contact. Maybe that could lead to something. Who knows?

Well, I guess I'll go into work a little early today. I've got a little bit of work to do on the database, yet. I need to clean my machine off and back up my data. I'll be glad to be gone from there, I just wish I had somewhere new to go.