Domestic Geek

Current mood: overwhelmed
I've got so much to do and so little time to do it all!!! I've got a little over two weeks to finish my darned portfolio. The presentations are on April 27th. We're also learning CSS in my web class and there is so much to learn that I can't keep it all in my head. Our teacher wants us to design and submit something to the CSS Zen Garden site. Wow, That's quite the challenge.

I guess the Pepsi iTunes giveaway is almost done. It's getting harder and harder to find bottles with winning caps. Of course, they have to be redeemed by the end of April, anyway. I think I've gotten about 55 songs so far from free caps now. Whoo hoo! I much prefer Coke, but if I'm going to spend the money on soda anwyay, I might as well get a free song out of it, right? I think after there are no more caps to be found, I need to get up soda drinking anyway.

I'm watching "The Pianist" right now. It's hard for me to imagine how any of the Jews survived Hitler. I can't even begin to understand how anybody would've seen such attrocities and still had a will to survive. I also can't understand how the Nazi soldiers could commit the acts that they did and live with themselves.

Does anybody know what happened to iMood?

Well, I guess I better get to bed so that I can get work done early tomorrow and spend the day working on portfolio stuff. G'night.

Current mood: accomplished
I love learning how to do stuff with CSS. I finally found the code I needed to make my calendar act like I want. It still needs a little tweaking, but I'll work on that later when I get a free moment (ha/ha). I need to do a redesign of this darned thing anyway. I wish I was an expert. If only every browser would support all the attributes. It sucks how you can make a sight look perfect in IE only to have it be totally broken in Safari or Netscape. I really hate that you can't color scrollbars in all browsers. That feature is so darned cool. *sigh* Does anybody know a difinitive guide for css stuff? The w3 site is a little confusing sometimes.

Oh, and I decided not to quit school or change my focus to multimedia. I can't with only six months left. Designing for the web is what I really want to do. Learning Maya and stuff would be cool and everything, but I can always learn it later.

Well, off to work.

Current mood: exhausted
Even though I'm totally sleepy, I can't sleep. I've got too much on my mind.

I'm wondering if I should drop school for now and focus on some other things. I've let so many things go lately: me, my house, my friendships, my job. Now my schoolwork is slipping. I was so looking forward to the web classes and I've already skipped twice. I have had too much on my plate for so long that everything is giving way at once. I'm not healthy, my relationships are not healthy. Anyone who visits here can tell that I'm not happy. I used to be. I used to have fun and took care of myself and enjoy my life. I don't know when I lost that. All I know is, I can't keep doing this.

It really sucks that they don't offer the web classes more often. I've been waiting forever to take these and now I don't want to be there. It's really stupid to keep racking up debt when you're not going to give it your all. I'm wondering if I should change my focus to multimedia and learn the web stuff on my own. Hmmm.

I guess I'll find out when I talk to the registrar chick tomorrow.

Current mood: motivated
There's been a big shake-up in my life recently. All I'm going to say about it here is that my negative attitude and disregard for my personal well-being brought me very close to losing Marcus. I've had a major attitude adjustment.

Current mood: confused
I feel lost.

I'm having one of those periods where I don't know who I am or where I'm going in life. I'm stuck in a rut and can't figure out how to get out of it. I'm doubting many of the choices I've made lately. I used to like being me and really took care of myself. I don't know why that changed. The death of KOA talk show host Ken Sasso (he was only 57) on Wednesday shocked me into realizing that I'd better figure out ways to get what I want out of life and make some pretty drastic changes before it's too late. The problem is I don't know what I really want.

I know I want a house and to get out of this stupid mobile home park. My neighbors suck ass and there are too many stupid cats around here. I miss having a garden. I know I want a better job, but what? I went to school to study web design and now that I'm finally taking the classes, I'm doubting that I can do this as a profession. I don't think I have what it takes to do this, as I'm finding that I can't be creative "on demand." I also hear the horror stories about dealing with clients and I don't think I can deal with that stupidity on a regular basis. I want to spend more time with my friends. I want to have some fun once in a while.

I hate my job but I can't leave it. Today I wanted to just walk out the front door and never come back. Unfortunately, I have too much debt to do such a rash thing. Things are getting worse at work and morale is lower than ever. The higher-ups say it's not, but I have a feeling my position is in jeopardy. Between skyrocketing cheese prices and a manager at the other store that can't control his labor costs, the owner is looking for ways to save money. The prep job is usually the second thing to go after manager bonuses get cut. Since the managers didn't get their bonuses this month, is it any wonder that I'm getting worried about my job?

I've also been wondering if I made a mistake about not having children. As messed up as I've let my life become lately, it's probably a good thing that I didn't. I still wonder if that's a decision I'm going to regret when (if) I get old.

I'm sure alot of this despair I'm feeling is from the fact that I'm burned out and I have no money. I also don't sleep well. I need a vacation badly. School doesn't go on summer break until mid-July. That's four months away. The dough situation at work is so screwed up that I've had to work every damn day. If I take time off, I don't get paid. I also need to go to the dentist, but, no money. I've got a couple of teeth that need to come out and they hurt all the time. I'm also beginning to realize that my weight is a factor in my sleeplessness. My arms go numb in the middle of the night and wake me up (too much weight on nerves?). I may also be developing Sleep Apnea. It's not uncommon among the very obese and could explain why I wake up all the time.

I wish I could just take a couple of months off from everything to rest, relax and meditate on where I want to be and figure out how to get there. Adults should be allowed to take three month summer vacations.