Domestic Geek

Business is slow at a bar one night when all of a sudden a strange man walks in, carrying a bag. The man walks up to the bartender, takes a seat at the bar and beckons to the tender, calling his attention. "I'll bet you all of tonight's drinks that I can make you cry like a baby," the strange man says. In reply, the bartender chuckles, "Yeah sure, why not? You're not going to hit me or anything, are you?" he asks. The man shakes his head, "No, no, of course not," he replies, emptying the bag's contents onto the bartop. From the bag tumbles a little midget, just a little more than a foot tall, and a piano. The midget begins to play beautiful, beautiful music and it's so fantastic that the bartender soon breaks down and cries. Later, over the third round of free drinks, the bartender asks, "Okay, I gotta know, where'd you get that little guy?" The man at the bar leans in close, so that no one else can hear and answers, "I found a ring that will grant anyone three wishes." "Three wishes?" exclaims the bartender. "You gotta let me use at least one, man, come on, I won't tell anyone else, just let me use one!" With a sigh, the man hands over an ornate ring. The bartender slips it on his finger, closes his eyes and murmurs his wish. Suddenly, a duck wanders into the bar, followed by another, then another, and another. Soon, the tavern is flooded with ducks to the point where not even the midget can move without bumping one. "What the hell?" cries the bartender. "I wished for a million bucks! Not a million ducks!" The man at the bar chuckles a little. "I forgot to warn you..." he begins. "The ring is kind of, well... hard of hearing" "Hard of hearing? You mean like you have a deaf wishing ring?" questions the bartender. The man just chuckles and nods in reply. "Well, did you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist?"

Money...

It can buy a house, but not a home.

It can buy a clock, but not time.

It can buy you a position, but not respect.

It can buy you a bed, but not sleep.

It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.

It can buy you medicine, but not health.

It can buy you blood, but not life.

So you see money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your friend and, as your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering!

So...



Send me all your money and I will suffer for you!

Cash only please!

After all, what are friends for, huh?

P.S. Let me know if you need my address.

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about it.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

“When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst into tears.

He asked where did the money come from, “Oh,” she said,“that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

For example,
"House" in French, is feminine..."la maison". "Pencil" in French, is masculine..."le crayon".

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is a computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups, appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.