Domestic Geek

I drove all the way over there and nobobdy was there AGAIN! This is unacceptable. I'm just about ready to tell them to f*ck off.

I sent an email off to a local mental health facility to see if anybody could offer advice on how to get myself some help. I'm tired of not living my life and if it is indeed depression that has been hindering me, I want to find out and fix it. I can't really remember the last time I felt truly happy and at peace. The most annoying thing is that I can't concentrate. That is so unlike me. I used to be able to concentrate on coding for hours on end. Now, I can't remember what I intended to do like 2 seconds ago.

Here I sit again...middle of the night and I can't sleep. Stupid raccoons fighting outside woke me up about and hour and a half ago. This lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body. I'm sick. My throat hurts. I'm coughing. I had a bone-chilling fever earlier. I hate this. I was researching depression and reading some message boards earlier this evening before Marcus got home from work. I've got to find a way to get help for this. I read that prolonged untreated depression can cause permanent changes in the physiology of the brain. Great. All I know is, I can't concentrate. I don't pursue my hobbies. The whole day can go by and I'll have not accomplished jack. I could've accomplished tons in the two months I've been out of work, but I haven't. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and out of whack. Is there anyplace you can go to get help if you have no money?

I don't want to go back to that job again ever. I went back after 1:30 knowing that the other designer would be there. I really wanted to talk to my boss about finishing the project I am working on and then not coming back. He still wasn't in. *sigh* I brought the project home to work on it and of course I haven't touched it. Now I don't know if I really hate being a designer or if it's the jobs I have had or if it is the depression itself making me want to flee.

Well, I guess I'd better try to get back to sleep.

So, I drove over to the place where I'm working only to find nobody there to let me in. This whole situation is stupid. I realized after the second day I didn't want to work there. I really need to talk to the owner and get out of this. I don't need a stupid workplace on top of everything else going on right now.

I just realized I forgot I was doing the 100 Facts in 100 Days meme. Ooops. I think I've been preoccupied with other matters.

I've often wondered if there is something physically wrong with me. I've suspected for years that I may suffer from depression. I've also suspected a bipolar disorder. When my mother and I were watching an episode of Oprah together and I mentioned my suspicions, she said, "Oh, you're not depressed. You're just a little down and you'll snap out of it." Since we will have lost my mother 10 years ago this January and that conversation happened well before that, I've had this problem for a very long time. I've never sought help because I never had insurance and don't have money to pay for doctors myself. I didn't want to be drugged up and suffer other problems. I cry alot and shut myself away. I honestly can't remember a time when I was happy and at peace. Even though I try to put on a happy face once in awhile, that feeling of wrongness is always there. It's why I overspend and overeat and push away people trying to be my friends. It's why I'm so self-destructive. It's why I'm so angry and frustrated. It's why I always used to move alot. I was trying to escape something. The sad thing is, what I'm trying to escape is inside of me.

Today, my friend Chrissy pointed out this blog entry about Depression in the IT Professions. It's got me to thinking again. Maybe there isn't anything wrong with the jobs I've tried to get, it's all me. I'll never be happy in any job because that deep seeded feeling that everything is wrong is always there. The author of that post had many resources about depression. Maybe it's time to figure out what's wrong and fix it.