Domestic Geek

I have a confession to make. I am out of control. I had some major revelations today. It's weird how something will hit you out of the blue even though its been staring at you in the face for months.

I whole heartedly believe that your life is what you make it. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to live in the "someday" and "if only" mode. I rarely live in the now and pay attention to what is going on around me. The truth is, I've been stagnant. Worse, I've regressed. My body, my finances, my home, my appearance...it's all in a huge state of disarray. I need to stop wallowing in depression and despair and get myself back on track. Right now. I've got to knock off the negative self-talk and the doubting and set some goals and get with the program. What I'm going to reveal here may shock some of you. Others may not be surprised at all. I just want to warn you that it's not pretty. It's also going to ramble.

The fact is, I'm good at using excuses to avoid doing things. It's one reason Marcus dubbed me the Queen of Procrastination™. I've got excuses for everything. My Christmas decorations still aren't 100% packed. First it was because we put the dog down, then I had to have help getting the tree down, then I had to wait for the snow to melt. Well, The lights have been down and in piles in my kitchen for well over a month. My tree stand is still in my bathtub. The snow has been melted for a couple of weeks, but the tree is still outside.

I've been using the underemployment and unemployment excuses for a lot of things. It's why I gained a lot of weight (bull), it's why I was too depressed to clean, it's why I haven't bought clothes or had my hair done or even wash my car. Well, I've been full time employed for almost 3 months, yet the problems persist.

I decided I needed to document where I'm at now so that I can see improvement. I grabbed Marcus' camera and started snapping pictures. As soon as my new blog is up, I'll post a link so you can all go look. I want my problems out in the open. Hopefully that will give me the kick I need to fix them. I was a little disgusted as I walked around my home. How could I let this happen?

I have to come clean. Literally. My house is a freaking pig sty. I've never had great housekeeping skills. It was something that was never instilled in me growing up. Our house was always a pit. I'm slipping back into that way of living. My steam cleaner still sits in the same place it did when I tried to clean up the urine stains from the dog. We're coming up on 4 months since we had to put him down. I haven't vacuumed the carpet in the family room in over six months. There's still dog hair under our dining room table. I have dishes on my counter from before Christmas. There are still piles of stuff that came over from storage. I've got paperwork all over the place. I haven't gone through my junk mail since before I was employed (I got the job early November).

I get my FlyLady emails every day and wish that I could have an organized home and be on time to work and all that. I tell myself what's the point of having a shiny sink? It'll be dirty again tomorrow. It's this kind of thinking that is holding me back. Marcus used to help me with housework, but I think he's given up, too. I can't blame the guy.

The sad truth is I'm not even crafting or doing anything creative (except for a few feet of popcorn garland that I crocheted at Christmas). All I do is sit and think and surf and wish and dream. If only I was rich...If only I was thin...If only....

I have dreams of getting my drawings on iStock or a t-shirt on Threadless. Still more excuses. My desk sucks. My mouse is broken. Nobody will buy them anyway. I wanted to open a design site, but the self doubt crept in. Too many people already do that. Who will want your designs? You can't even get your own design changed, why would anyone use you? It's appalling how my own worst enemy in all this is me.

I want to lose 150 pounds, but I can't ride my bike because of our neighborhood and Marcus is too busy to ride with me. I can't exercise in the house because of the dust and the carpet is dirty. I can't join a yoga class because I don't hae any money. Isn't it disgusting how I can always find an excuse? I wish I knew the answer to why I continue to participate in this self-destructive behavior. All I know is, I must cease now. I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to look back on my life with regret about the things I didn't allow myself to try or do. I know I'm an amazing and wonderful person. I have a kind heart and a brain full of knowledge. Why am I so afraid to let the real me come out?

The big picture is I've been complaining about the same things about my life since I was in high school. I graduated in 1984, you do the math. I've been afraid to take risks, had trouble making friends, been afraid to do what I want, resist losing weight, make excuses, procrastinate, blame others for where I'm at. Since the only constant in these many years has been me, it's seriously time to change something.

Anyway, I'd better wrap this up and get back to some cleaning. I have so much more that needs to be said, but it's all a jumble in the old noggin. I guess there will be a lot of fodder for the new blog.

I recently saw an opportunity on one of the paid blogging sites about hair removal products. It was to have a positive tone (I have absolutely nothing good to say about removing hair), so I didn't take it. It did, however, make me remember something totally funny.

Did anybody purchase one of those Epilady contraptions that came out in the mid '80s? I just checked and the Epilady company still exists. I don't know why we all thought those would be the answer to our shaving prayers. I hated shaving with a passion (still do) and most depilatories make me break out in a rash. I remember I wanted one really bad (I was in high school then), so my sister and I each got one for Christmas. They had these revolving spring coil things that grabbed your leg hairs and ripped them out of the follicles. Man, did that hurt like a mother! Not only did that whole ordeal hurt, but the process dried out your skin and when the hair grew back, they were ingrown under your skin. Ick.

I think I remember hearing that was the most returned gift that year. Gee, I wonder why.

For the last week, I've been listening to chapters from a book called The Capo's Mistress by Richard Harris. The story by the first-time author revolves around retired L.A. police officer and recovering alcoholic Mike Driscoll. When Driscoll's old clunker car breaks down and he becomes stranded in the ghost town community of Virginia City, Mt, he is drawn into a tale of love, lies and deceit by a woman he meets there — former Las Vegas blackjack dealer, Mary Carter.

In a desperate attempt to win Mary's love, Mike travels to Vegas to retrieve a bag of loot from a robbery dumped in the Treasure Island lagoon. Mike discovers he's being used and Mary is not being sought by police as she claimed. She is in reality Theresa Defoe, mistress of mafia boss Big Tony and it's the mob who wants to find her. Mike is in deep and it will be interesting to see where the story goes from here.

Beginning on March 11th, Harris began offering the book as a free MP3 download on his site. Each day, a chapter is being released until the entire book is available. On April 27th, the release date for the book, the chapters will be pulled from his site. So, go check it out and if you like it, consider supporting the author and pre-order The Capo’s Mistress at Amazon.

Well, OK, the poor mouse isn't stupid, it's just getting old and worn out. I have this Logitech laser mouse that I've been noticing hasn't been responding as well as it used to. I especially hate how it responds when I'm trying to draw in Illustrator. It's harder than heck to grab a point. Well, early in the week I noticed it wasn't even starting to place the cursor well and if I needed to select some specific text, forget about it! We stopped in at CompUsa yesterday and I discovered I can't afford a new mouse. Marcus said I could use the mighty mouse that came with his new Mac. After an evening of using that, my poor hand hurt so bad! Why can't Apple ship an ergonomically friendly mouse? So, I guess I'm stuck moving my corded Logitech mouse back and forth from my PC to my Mac until I can afford a new mouse.

I'm cleaning off stuff off my desktop since it's getting a little cluttered and I found this cute little screenshot of an IM I was having with Marcus a while back. I just had to share:


Why am I getting visions of the movie Ghost in my head? lol