Domestic Geek

Well, I got my first paycheck from the new job today. It turns out I'm not an employee, (see, you shouldn't assume anything) but a contractor. Wish that had been explained up front. So, no taxes paid on my behalf and I'm gonna be fucked at the end of the year. Last I checked, even contractors around here made more than $12/hr. Top that off with the frustration I was feeling of trying to talk to the client whose menu they were having me do that doesn't really speak English. Yeah, not worth what they're paying.

Stupid me. Like I said, once this magazine of theirs goes to press, I'm done. I'd almost go back to my old job over this one (if they'd move to Castle Rock).

I just got back from an appointment I had with the placement person at my old school. She claimed to have a whole slew of new opportunities. Fact was, there was only one job that fit what I was looking for and I had already seen that on Monster. It's a production artist position that pays $8/hr. You know, McDonald's employees make about that. I was making that wage as a phone person at a pizza place three years ago. So glad I wasted money on getting an education.

I drove all the way over there and nobobdy was there AGAIN! This is unacceptable. I'm just about ready to tell them to f*ck off.

I sent an email off to a local mental health facility to see if anybody could offer advice on how to get myself some help. I'm tired of not living my life and if it is indeed depression that has been hindering me, I want to find out and fix it. I can't really remember the last time I felt truly happy and at peace. The most annoying thing is that I can't concentrate. That is so unlike me. I used to be able to concentrate on coding for hours on end. Now, I can't remember what I intended to do like 2 seconds ago.

Here I sit again...middle of the night and I can't sleep. Stupid raccoons fighting outside woke me up about and hour and a half ago. This lack of sleep is taking a toll on my body. I'm sick. My throat hurts. I'm coughing. I had a bone-chilling fever earlier. I hate this. I was researching depression and reading some message boards earlier this evening before Marcus got home from work. I've got to find a way to get help for this. I read that prolonged untreated depression can cause permanent changes in the physiology of the brain. Great. All I know is, I can't concentrate. I don't pursue my hobbies. The whole day can go by and I'll have not accomplished jack. I could've accomplished tons in the two months I've been out of work, but I haven't. I'm tired of feeling hopeless and out of whack. Is there anyplace you can go to get help if you have no money?

I don't want to go back to that job again ever. I went back after 1:30 knowing that the other designer would be there. I really wanted to talk to my boss about finishing the project I am working on and then not coming back. He still wasn't in. *sigh* I brought the project home to work on it and of course I haven't touched it. Now I don't know if I really hate being a designer or if it's the jobs I have had or if it is the depression itself making me want to flee.

Well, I guess I'd better try to get back to sleep.

So, I drove over to the place where I'm working only to find nobody there to let me in. This whole situation is stupid. I realized after the second day I didn't want to work there. I really need to talk to the owner and get out of this. I don't need a stupid workplace on top of everything else going on right now.