Domestic Geek

If only…

If only and what if and I wish and someday. It came to me this morning while at work that these are my mantras. They are what I hide behind, the excuses I use and why I'm not moving forward in my life. These statements rely on absolutely no effort on my part. As long as I say these things to myself everyday, I'm stuck.

One of my teachers at school used to say there is no such thing as try. You either do or you do not. Unfortunately, I just do not. I don't know what I'm afraid of or why I think I can't. It's not that I'm comfortable where I am. I'm in pain, I'm sad and depressed, I feel like a failure. Maybe I've got some kind of Cinderella sydrome where I believe that if I suffer enough, some handsome prince will come save me and all my dreams will come true.

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So, I just heard a weird popping sound coming from the kitchen. I get up to investigate and there's the pan of eggs on the stove I was boiling...that had totally run out of water...because I had forgotten I started them...over two hours ago! Dumb ass! I don't know if they're salvageable, I'll have to wait and see. I put them to soak in cold water. All I know is it totally smells like burnt pan in here. Ugh!

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Well, that was totally stupid. I'm trying to set up a recipe blog and I had Transmit (FTP program) open. Instead of opening a file to edit it, I accidentally copied it to my hard drive. I right click on it, select delete and hit enter to agree and then realize that I had clicked on the wrong file. Wouldn't have been disasterous if it had been any file other than my Mac's Library folder. You know that one...it contains your keychain, your cookies, your browser bookmarks, your saved emails, your iCal data, all your program preferences. Yeah, that one. I immediately hit the cancel button, but those things never seem to work. I forced Trasmit to quit, but it was too late...all the data was gone. I checked the trash and it was empty. I opened Transmit and it had nothing. Damn. I can recreate almost every thing I lost except the iCal stuff, some of my booksmarks and my emails. Damn it! That's one folder I never thought to back up. Guess I'll have to start doing that on at least a weekly basis, eh?

I wish Marcus was home. I could sure use a hug just about now.

Man, is the blogosphere dead lately or what?

I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday. It wasn't pretty. Poor Marcus.

I have these things every once in a while. I don't know why. It's probably some form of depression. It has to be. I knew one was coming, I just didn't know how soon and don't know how to stop it once it starts. My life just seems so hopeless and all I can do is cry. I cry so hard I make myself sick. Top it off with the storm front that came through and the horrible headache I got from the air pressure change and wind. Not a good combination.

It started at work when the moron manager showed up really early. He didn't need to get there more than 15 minutes early (if at all) for the big order they had that morning. He just has no life outside of work and showed up a couple of hours early. He probably wanted to watch the girls he has things for on the cameras, but couldn't since I was there. He was soaked in that awful cologne he wears that I'm allergic to and he set off an allergy attack.

Then I got stuck in traffic not once, but twice for construction. Construction that wasn't even announced on the radio like it is every other weekend. At one of the sites, losers were driving on the shoulder to cut because they're too freaking impatient to wait with the rest of us and causing worse jams at the front of the line. It was really making me fume. I get sick of following rules when rulebreakers suffer no consequences. Like these losers are any more important than I. It's a good thing I don't own a gun because yesterday I would've used it. Not on the people, mind you, but I definitely would've taken some cars out.

I stopped at a bagel place on the way home because Marcus gave me money to pick some up. I walked in and no sesame seed ones. I had to wait for some to come out of the oven. That wasn't a bad thing, but the clerk shorting me one was. Baker's dozen means 13 jerkwad, not 12.

The overwhelming despair hit as I was driving into the park where we live. I started shaking and crying and I wanted to flee but I had nowhere to go. My whole existance seemed so pointless right then. I felt like crawling into a hole and dying.

Thank goodness for Marcus. Normally, he tries to give advice and solve my problems, but yesterday he just consoled me and held me and let me cry. It was what I needed. By evening, I was feeling a whole lot better.

I went to work at midnight last night to get two days' worth of dough done. I got it all done, amazingly enough. So, I went to bed at 9am, let the dog out to pee around 1 pm and just got up about a half hour ago. It has been sooooo long since I actually slept for one long stretch. It felt totally bizarre. I vaguely recall the screaming trampoline kids outside the window, but for the most part, I was totally out. It felt good. I just hope I can sleep this evening.

When I got home from work this morning, I sat down to do a quick run through the recently updated blogs on my blogroll and <sarcasm>SUPRISE!</sarcasm>, blogrolling was down. I had to give up because, even though most of the sites I visit are in my history, those that use blogrolling were talking forever to load. As soon as I get done here, I'm doing some more reasearch on how to create my own that shows recently updates sites. I'm tired of depending on things outside my own server that screw with my site. I already dumped my Netflix plugin because it slowed my site loading. I also decided that it is not fair to pull bandwidth from Netflix's site just to show pics on my site. It doesn't really matter for as few hits as I get, but a popular site must eat up large amounts of bandwidth. All subscribers end up paying for that, so I don't want to be a part of it, y'know?

My friend from school got a job! Yay!!! Everybody should go congratulate her (not that I have droves of readers or anything). Now, everybody focus the good vibes my way so that I can make the same announcement soon, K?

All right, I'm going blog-surfing then I'm going to call Marcus to see if he's going to be home soon or if I need to go scrounge something for dinner.