Domestic Geek

Hey, I remembered to Rabbit, Rabbit this month, and since it is my birth month, it's supposed to be extra lucky.

I'm feeling a bit lost and lonely and I don't know what I'm doing that creates this. Except for Marcus, I don't have any real live friends. I have acquaintances, but no true friends. I have some friends on the Internet, but they can't come hang out with me. I don't know why I can't connect or stay connected to people. Most people my age have kids and I can't relate to them. I'm always the odd man out, the last to be chosen, if I'm even remembered at all. Lately all those old high school memories of being left out have come flooding back and I'm hurting. I try to reach out to people and I'm ignored. I feel invisible once again.

It's when I feel like this that I realize why I'm 300 pounds, my finances are a joke and my house is a mess. I don't have the will to do anything about any of this because "why bother?" Nobody is around to notice anyway. I'm just the reliable girl that does her job, doesn't make waves and exists in the background.

I know that part of this is that I don't know where my passion lies. If I found something to participate in that I was passionate about, I would find people like me. I've spent so much of my life being what I thought I was supposed to be that I really don't know what I want.

I've been such a slacker today. For whatever reason, I'm just feeling run down and out of sorts. I'm feeling a little blue, too. I really don't know why. I'm wondering if I'm starting to feel the effects of the days getting shorter. I'm also a little bored and frustrated at work. Oh, well...this will pass. I've just got such much I want to do and having to go to work every day doing mindless tasks is a little frustrating. I'm also probably a little burned out. I realized today that I haven't had a vacation in three years (being unemployed DOES NOT COUNT). That was when we went to visit Marcus' folks in Tennessee.

I've been really trying to meditate and clear my head lately. I've got this itchy feeling that something is about to change, I just don't know what. I sure hope that whatever it is, it is for the good.

Last weekend I splurged and bought myself some Breyers All Natural Coffee Ice Cream at Target. I'm sickened to the core about how many chemicals and how much High Fructose Corn Syrup is in most commercial ice creams. It's just not right.

Anyway, Wednesday evening after dinner I got myself a couple of scoops and came back here to the old computer to enjoy it while surfing my blogroll and forums. Quite a bit later, Marcus informs me that my ice cream is melting all over the counter and is running down behind the stove. D'oh! I cleaned up what I could and I guess I get to pull the stove out on Sunday to clean back there before I attract bugs or worse. Dammit!

See, my memory really is impaired lately. That was so not cool.

*short for Goober, as in dork...not peanut.

So, I was rudely awoken from sleep the night before last thinking a huge spider was quickly dropping from the ceiling onto Marcus' and my bed. I jumped out of bed in fright and scrambled to turn the light on only to find absolutely nothing there. I hate dreams like that. I was terrified of going back to sleep for fear that it was just hiding. Poor Marcus. It's been quite a while, though, since I'd had such a bad dream.

Today I started looking up the meanings associated with spider dreams through Google (more out of curiosity than a fact-finding mission). I've outlined some of what I found below. It's quite interesting, even if it isn't true.

All spiders except tarantulas are omens of good luck. If you see a spider climbing the wall you will have your dearest wish come true and if you see a spider spinning a web you will have an increase in your income due to hard work. A large spider sitting on a telephone shows you will have a phone call that will benefit you greatly. The larger the spider, the bigger the rewards.

[via Dream Central's Dream Dictionary]

1. An ancient symbol for weaving, and thus for creativity. The dreamer may be going through a rough time in life, and need to find a creative solution to resolve the situation. Dreaming of a spider can be reassuring: You have it in you to find the solution.
2. If the spider seems threatening, or the web too intricate, the message is that you are complicating things unnecessarily and need to simplify your life.
3. If you are an artist of any kind, Spider heralds a rush of creative activity that could point you in a new career direction.
4. A sign of strength and resiliency. Whatever hard times the dreamer is going through now, she has what it takes to get through them.
[via MSN Dream Dictionary]

SPIDERS AS TRICKSTERS: If you have ever read any African fables, you may have noticed that the spider is a devious, tricky creature. Even in modern western society we associate spiders with trickery (come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly). This is most likely because spiders lure and ensnare their prey. If you are dreaming about spiders, there is a possibility that your dream is warning you that you may be tangled up in a web of deceit. Take a good look at those around you, especially those in whom you have put your trust.

SPIDERS AS WEAVERS: Another association of spiders comes from their ability to weave beautiful and intricate webs. There is an old Greek myth about a woman named Arachne who was an incredibly gifted artist and weaver. She was also insolent and rude, claiming that her abilities were greater than those of Athena, the patron Goddess of weaving. After challenging Athena to a contest, Arachne felt so bad for her disrespect to the Goddess that she hanged herself. Athena took pity on Arachne and brought her back to life as a spider, so that she could hang forever weaving her beautiful creations, as well as all of her ancestors. If you are dreaming of a spider web, it may indicate that you are ignoring your creative impulses. If you dream of a spider weaving a web, it could mean that inspiration is right in front of you. Either way, the dream is urging you not to resist or ignore your artistic impulses. Even if you do not consider yourself an artistic person, your psyche is encouraging you to explore and unleash your creativity in some way.

SPIDERS AS FEMALE ENERGY: When considering the symbolic meanings of spiders, one cannot overlook the image of the black widow, luring in the male to mate, and then viciously killing and cannibalizing him in order to nourish herself when her eggs have been fertilized. In this way, spiders represent the feminine energies within us. These energies are both the destructive and constructive, as seen in the cycle of death and birth. If dreaming about a black widow spider, or of a spider that kills its mate, your dreams may be telling you that you are experiencing a major transformation in your life.

SPIDERS AS CREATURES OF BALANCE: Spiders hang from slender threads, and walk delicately upon their webs. But, being delicate creatures, if they fall, they can die. A dream of a spider walking a web may indicate that you must take care, for you are walking a fine line in life, or that you are in need of finding a balance. Spiders also have eight legs, which are symbolic of the ancient wheel of the year, which is divided up into the solstices and equinoxes, and the mid-points between them. A dream in which a spider’s legs are the focus may indicate that you are currently experiencing a rut or an in-between stage in life.

SPIDERS AS CREATURES OF FATE: The weaving symbolism of a spider can be extended to the Fates, the demigods in Greek mythology which weave the fate of our lives. This can indicate a connection between the past and the future. It may also be telling you that you are the master of your own destiny, and should take charge in weaving the future you desire.

[via Dream interpretation: the meaning of a spider]