Domestic Geek

I've had a major shift of viewpoint lately. It could be because I've been so poor recently or it could be that as I'm nearing 40, my whole outlook on what's important in life has changed. I'm focusing less on material THINGS. I think back on all the time I wasted driving around looking for wrestling figures (hundred of dollars wrapped up and I can get about $20 for them on eBay), Star Trek stuff, scrapbooking supplies...How much money I wasted on junk that is never used...how much money I've spent storing that stuff in a storage unit...how much money I've wasted on pop/Starbucks/food to make myself almost 300 pounds...IT MAKES ME SICK! There is stuff I've been throwing away in the craft room that I ask myself, "Why in the world did I think that I ever needed that?" I could've had the life I wanted by now with a house and a garden and such, but I wallowed and spent foolishly and I have nobody to blame for where I am now but me.

I knew I was having a shift when I walked all the way through Hobby Lobby one day and didn't find one thing I really wanted to buy. The only things I want to buy now have a purpose. I need some things for my business. I need some books for some things I'm trying to learn. I need some new clothes. I need healthy food. I need to save for a vacation.

I think I was buying stuff to try and fill the emptiness in my life. Trying to numb the pain of being an outcast and being lonely. Don't get me wrong, I know I have people in my life that love me. Marcus has been the rock that has kept me relatively sane. The problem is I haven't been loving me. I took a turn in college where I really liked myself to really hating myself. I started letting myself be abused by people, started expecting less of myself, started giving up on my dreams, started gaining a lot of weight. The problems compounded when my mother died and my sister turned on me. I became an extremely angry, depressed, hopeless person. I'm trying to let all the anger and resentment go. It's not healthy and it serves no purpose except to keep me stuck.

It dawned on me as I was sifting through junk last night that I have been wanting to start my own business for over 17 years. Mom and I used to talk about starting something long before I met Marcus (our 14th anniversary is coming up). What has been holding me back? I wish I knew. I still don't know. It can't be fear of my life getting worse, because it is sucking pretty bad right now. Moving forward with my design business will be the greatest thing I can do for myself right now. I'm never going to get rich working hard everyday for somebody else.

Well, all of that being said, time for me to get back to work. Have a great day, everybody!

Once again: I HATE DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!

I'm having a hard time believing that 2006 is already a quarter finished.

I've written on here before about how I'm getting rid of the clutter in my life. Today I tackled a couple of boxes in the craft room. In one of those, I found a baby afghan I started when I found out my supposed "best friend" from school was pregnant...in 1984! It's been sitting in a box that I've been lugging around for almost 22 years. It struck me how that was a symbol of my whole life. I have these dreams, I have all of these plans, yet I never attain them. I never really finish anything. My whole life has been filled with "I should have," "I wish I had done," etc. I put tons of energy into getting started on something (buying supplies, making the plan), but never really getting anything out of it. My whole life is cluttered with unfulfilled ambitions and meaningless junk.

I'm reading a book that my old friend from college got me about 2 years ago. It's called 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace. She saw in me that I struggle with who I am and what I really want to be doing in my life. When she got it for me, I wasn't ready to read it and put in in a drawer. I found it the other day and started reading it. He quoted Tolstoy's character Ivan Ilyich, who said, "What if my whole life has been wrong?" That quote really got me thinking. I'm going to be 40 in a little over five months. I don't want to waste any more time thinking "I wish I could've..." or "Why did I never..." and just make my dreams happen. I'm tired of the excuses I feed myself about why my life is the way it is.

Anyway, I can't remember exactly where I was going with all of this. I guess just that I'm still not in a good place yet. While the job I have now is closer than anything I've ever had to want I want to be doing, it's still not a great fit. I don't have any benefits, the personalities there clash really bad and I'm not making enough money to pay my bills, let alone have any extra to do anything for myself. I'm keeping an eye out for another job while I start freelancing. I'm the most skilled employee and the least paid. Not cool. I just can't let myself stay there because I'm afraid or too lazy to get what I really want. I don't want to make another long-term mistake like pizza was.

I wish I had another day off. I have so much I need to do and work is just getting in the way. I spent a good portion of this weekend shaving the skunk-infused fur off of my dog. I still have some really matted stuff around his neck to get, but he's almost done. Hopefully that incident will never repeat. My house still smells. Ewwww.

Well, I guess I'd better head off to bed. Even though it doesn't feel like 11;20, the clock says it is. Getting up tomorrow is going to be a bitch.

Hi Everyone! Did you miss me?

Sorry about being MIA, but I've had a lot on my mind. I've been doing a lot of thinking about how I've gotten to where I am in life and how to get where I really want to be. Don't misunderstand, I don't have a bad life—I'm just not where I thought I'd be by now. I am not realizing my full potential. Someone as gifted and smart as I shouldn't be making $25,000/yr. In fact, this is the least amount of money I've made in a long time. I also shouldn't be living in a mobile home park. I can't blame anybody but myself. I've made every choice that has me where I am. I'm learning a lot about how one's thoughts keeps one stuck. Not just emotionally and mentally, but physically, as well. For instance, no matter what I eat or what amount of exercise I get, I've been stuck at the same weight for a long time.

Somewhere deep in my subconscious I keep myself exactly where I am now. Letting go of pizza was a huge step, but I keep dreaming that I've gone back to work there. I even toyed with the idea of delivering pizzas again because I'm dead broke right now. My final student loan kicks in next month and I don't even have money for food right now. Don't know where another $200+ is going to come from. Top it off with owing taxes this year. No wonder I'm seeking the security of the familiar. Turns out it might be chemically programmed into my very cells to keep wanting to suffer at a pizza job since I did it so long.

I watched an interesting movie yesterday called "What the #$*! Do We Know!?". A coworker suggested it as it pertains to a lot of the mind over matter type of thinking I've been exploring lately. It was so interesting, in fact, that I watched it again this morning. They even have a website at whatthebleep.com. I'm not taking things said in the movie as gospel, but they touched on things I've heard and pondered before. I've loved listening to Dr. Michio Kaku talk about quantum physics on Coast to Coast AM with Art Bell and on The Screensavers on TechTv. Even though most of the theories are way over my head, it definitely gives me a lot to think about.

The movie referenced the work of a Japanese researcher named Masaru Emoto that studied the effects of human vibrational energy, thoughts, words, ideas and music on the molecular structure of water. Postive thoughts and words produced a totally different crystalline structure in the water than negative ones. Extemely fascinating, considering the human body is composed of mostly water. Deep stuff, I tell you.

So, the whole point of all of this is: I'm tired of being stuck living in my box. I'm beginning an experiment of growth and enlightenment. In a year, I want to be in a totally different place (physically and mentally). I'll keep you guys up to speed on how that is going.

Speaking of being poor, it has done one thing for me—my kitchen cabinets are practically bare. Marcus and I have been eating food that has been in there for a couple of years (or more). I know the bag of elbow macaroni I ate one night had been purchased before we moved back to Aurora over three years ago. *sigh* Since my performance review is over 3.5 months away, I've got to start bringing in more cash in other ways. Things are going up on eBay and I'm starting my design business. I keep saying I'll start it when I get new business cards, I'll get a new mac first, I'll be ready when              . I can't wait anymore. There is really no good reason why I have put it off. I'm scared. I won't find clients. I won't make any money. Bah! I'm good at this and people will pay me. I just have to find them. This next week I'm going to work on getting my business site and portfolio up on the web. Meanwhile, if anybody you know needs some graphic design work done, let me know!!!!!

OK, enough of this for now. I've got some housecleaning to do and a movie from a coworker I need to watch.

Edited: The movie was State of Grace and it SUCKED!