Domestic Geek

Something in me snapped at work today. I'm done.

I'm so sick of being a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I'm so sick of giving it my all to try to make a fucked up situation work just to get a paycheck. I'm sick of being lied to my face. I know I'm pretty good at whatever I try, but these people don't deserve my best. I won't go into details publicly, because I know this blog comes up if you search for my name, but I deserve better than this.

I was searching for something motivational to put in my line of sight at work and I came across the Steve Jobs commencement address at Stanford University. The parts that stick out for me are excerpted below:

"You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.
...
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
...
Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish."

--Steve Jobs, June 12, 2005

I'll be honest that this colon thing has me a little freaked out. I'm also getting closer to the age that Mom was when she passed. If I don't figure out what will make me happy and do it, I'm going to die with regrets and bitterness.

Man, after my supervisor walked off the job a few weeks ago, I've been putting in 50-60 hour weeks and it seemed like we'd never get caught up. Today was the first day since then that the "Ready to Work" basket has been empty. Whew!

Work sucked today on so many levels. I wish I was in a position where I could just walk away from there and never look back.

There were a couple of good things about today, though:

1) Marcus took me to Qdoba for lunch and I got my new favorite there, Shredded Pork Mexican Gumbo. The first time I decided to try this menu item, there was a new girl there that didn't speak much English and she kept pointing at things and I'd say sure, except when we got to the end, there was neither the soup or the tortilla strips the menu said it had, so once that was rectified, I wasn't entirely sure what I was eating was what it was supposed to be. It was darned tasty, though. I waited a while to try it again, and this time it was an employee I knew had worked there a while. Turns out really the only thing I ended up with that time that wasn't supposed to be in there was some queso.




2) By the time I left work, I was so fed up that I went in search of alcohol. I try not to keep much in the house because in my current state of depression, I could easily turn to the bottle often. Thank goodness liquor stores around here sell single bottles. I don't remember where I read about New Belgium's Flambozen (maybe their Facebook wall), but I made a mental note that if I ever saw some, I was going to try it. I'm a little bummed that apparently I totally missed their pumpkin beer this year. I kept talking myself out of buying one, so of course now I can't find it. It's a Raspberry Brown Ale and since I like a lot of the fruit beers I've tried, I was hopeful. I stopped in at Wallaby's over on Florida/Parker and fortunately they had a couple of singles, so I purchased one and put it in the freezer when I got to home to chill it.

It was so good! I'm going to grab a six pack to take to South Dakota next week.



On that note, I'm calling Uncle on this stupid day and going to bed.

I'm having a bit of an attitude problem with work - yesterday I just snapped. I'm burned out and I just don't give rat's ass about mail data processing anymore. I frankly don't care to waste my time preparing postage estimates when 90% of this crap is junk mail that's going in the trash can anyway. :( I'm tired of fixing the same problems over and over for the last 2 years/8 months (geez, I was only supposed to do this a few months while I figured out what to do next with my life), yet the client's never fix the major problems that I ask the account managers to relay. I'm tired of the morons in the USPS changing regulations all the time, making it harder to sort mail, yet wonder why nobody wants to mail crap anymore. I'm tired of most of our crappy Account Managers that can never get their damned tickets right, so I have to fight with them to even be able to start their crappy jobs. Also, what's the point of putting my best work out there when everyone around me does it wrong and they still have jobs? I'm also still allergic to my co-worker's smell, yet I still have to share an office with her over a year later because I was told by my supervisor to learn to live with it.

Marcus walked into my office yesterday and found me teary. That's never a good thing. He asked me the other day because the crap going on with our house has him testy (that rarely happens) how I can stand being angry all the time. He said it makes him utterly exhausted. That struck a nerve and really got me to thinking. Yes, it is exhausting.

I keep reading on Facebook that people consider today a lucky day (11/12/13). If that's true, how about helping me figure out where to go from here, universe? Something needs to change.

As far as the lack of NyQuil last night, that sucked. My nose decided to run and stuff decided to work loose in my chest, so I was up coughing until 3 am. I'm sure the 4 hours of sleep in not helping my apathetic work ethic and foul mood.

That said, I guess I'd better prepare my morning coffee and get out of here. I've usually already been at work an hour or two by now. I just don't want to face the stupidity today.

I had grandiose plans of getting off work this evening and getting a jump on the holiday preparations for tomorrow. *sigh* I should have known better.

I even went in early, made the shopping list of the last few things I needed to pick up on the way home to avoid having to shop anywhere on Friday or Saturday and looked like I was going to be out by 6pm. Then, after everyone in the department had left for the night except me, my supervisor called and told me I needed to work this one job before I left. One of the other operators put it on hold (he shouldn't have, the job is worked the same every danged time it comes in). Of course there was a problem and I needed the supervisor's input and she didn't answer my phone call or email right away. Oh, well.

I was going to bake a cheesecake tonight, but it will have to wait until the weekend.