Domestic Geek

I'm having a bit of an attitude problem with work - yesterday I just snapped. I'm burned out and I just don't give rat's ass about mail data processing anymore. I frankly don't care to waste my time preparing postage estimates when 90% of this crap is junk mail that's going in the trash can anyway. :( I'm tired of fixing the same problems over and over for the last 2 years/8 months (geez, I was only supposed to do this a few months while I figured out what to do next with my life), yet the client's never fix the major problems that I ask the account managers to relay. I'm tired of the morons in the USPS changing regulations all the time, making it harder to sort mail, yet wonder why nobody wants to mail crap anymore. I'm tired of most of our crappy Account Managers that can never get their damned tickets right, so I have to fight with them to even be able to start their crappy jobs. Also, what's the point of putting my best work out there when everyone around me does it wrong and they still have jobs? I'm also still allergic to my co-worker's smell, yet I still have to share an office with her over a year later because I was told by my supervisor to learn to live with it.

Marcus walked into my office yesterday and found me teary. That's never a good thing. He asked me the other day because the crap going on with our house has him testy (that rarely happens) how I can stand being angry all the time. He said it makes him utterly exhausted. That struck a nerve and really got me to thinking. Yes, it is exhausting.

I keep reading on Facebook that people consider today a lucky day (11/12/13). If that's true, how about helping me figure out where to go from here, universe? Something needs to change.

As far as the lack of NyQuil last night, that sucked. My nose decided to run and stuff decided to work loose in my chest, so I was up coughing until 3 am. I'm sure the 4 hours of sleep in not helping my apathetic work ethic and foul mood.

That said, I guess I'd better prepare my morning coffee and get out of here. I've usually already been at work an hour or two by now. I just don't want to face the stupidity today.

So, I've been really sick the last few weeks. The only thing good about it is the nightly NyQuil shot I've been taking so I have actually been getting some sleep. What sucks now is, I've only got a little bit of upper chest congestion left, so I can't really justify buying more of the "Big F*ing Q" (as Denis Leary calls it) just to get sleep. Tonight is the first drugless night and I'm already a little anxious (yes, I know that's the addiction part talking).

I wish I could find something to help me sleep. I just can't do it here. Since I can sleep pretty well in Keystone, I know it has to do with the noises and energy of being in the city. I've tried OTC stuff, melatonin, Sleepy-Time teas, magnesium. It all helps with falling asleep, I just can't stay asleep. I've tried cutting caffeine - all that does is make me crankier than usual during the day. I've tried warm showers right before bed. I've tried TV on, TV off, soft music, etc. All to no avail. I guess I need absolute quiet and absolute darkness.

One of the things that sucks is Marcus is on call 24/7, so his danged phone dings all danged night.

OK, on that note, here I go. Hopefully, I'll manage a few hours of shut-eye.

OK, here I go with my rant about how I hate the whole Daylight Savings concept.

I often wondered if there have ever been any studies done on how mucking around with time affects those with depression, especially with the fall change. While I didn't delve deep enough to find any actual studies, there are plenty of articles written about it. I found this article that suggests sitting in front of a light box. Maybe I should do that, because today was really bad for me.

It's bad enough that I was dealing with a pinched neck nerve or something that hadn't let me sleep on top of the usual stupidity that happens at work, but I was so freaking depressed that I couldn't concentrate on my work. I even contemplated quitting and walking out.

I wish we would just stop this DST nonsense. An hour isn't enough to be of benefit in this technological age, but it sure is enough to screw things up.

I hate how depression messes with you. You don't realize how bad things have been until you are in are in one of your better moments and look back at the events of the last 6 months and realize you've only done just enough to cope and get by. The insomnia, the inability to do anything creative, the despair, the anger, the procrastination, the isolation - all depression's fault. I always suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder in the winter, but I think this year was particularly bad for me. I'm sure part of that had to do with moving to this apartment complex plus having that new chick in my office at work.

It's probably a good thing we got a dog and I had someone that I had to take care of or I probably would have sunken further.

I'm sitting here surveying the damage. I think I've only cleaned the apartment once since we moved in. My few possessions I have here are totally disorganized. That dinky kitchen is a disaster area. I have only completed 2 small craft projects - one for a swap that I had to force myself to do as I was on a deadline and one was a crocheted snowflake for a family that lost their mother/wife to a brain aneurism. I sit down to cross stitch and manage about 10 stitches at a time. I just haven't been able to focus. I've tried on many occasion to get back to this old blog, but couldn't think of anything I really wanted to share. It's still broken from an update to the CMS I did awhile back and haven't had the motivation to fix it.

I tried to put my best face forward on Facebook and only post mundane things. I spent many years complaining about everything little thing on this blog and Marcus nicknamed it the "blog of woe." When I catch myself doing that on Facebook, I erase it. I know in this post I'm continuing the "blog of woe," but I need to vent and remind myself of all that is going on so that I may work on changing it while I'm not in depression's grip.

I don't know if it is because it is Spring, or because this last week got so bad that I finally had enough, but I actually feel motivated to change things. I'm tired of being the only capable data processor at work and having too much on my plate the last week of every month. I'm tired of being underpaid for what I really do there. I'm tired of having nobody I can talk to there about these frustrations (supervisors, HR, etc) that can or will do anything about it. I'm tired of being in a soul-sucking, non-creative desk job with no future. I'm tired of being stuck in an office with no music since they made us get rid of our radios. I'm tired of having allergy attacks all day at work because my co-worker in my office is either totally insensitive or dumb and won't stop coming to work laden in some offensive fragrance despite me repeatedly telling her it sets off my allergies. She also hasn't grasped how to do this job after 6 months, yet they still employ her. She was touted as being an Excel expert when they hired her. A couple of days ago, she was struggling with a client list because she doesn't know how to make new columns, copy & paste from cell to cell or do a "text to columns" - all pretty basic Excel stuff. Plus, I showed her how to do that on this same list the month before and watched her take notes. I'm tired of one of the other data processors that, despite being in the country for over 20 years, doesn't understand English and refuses to do things according to department standards and yet he keeps his job. I'm tired of my other co-worker who is the brother-in-law of the owner, is over 70 and is having issues remembering how to do his job and yet they keep him employed instead of having him retire simply because he claims he wouldn't know what to do with his life if he didn't have a job to go to every day. I'm tired of living in this overcrowded rat cage called Denver. I'm tired of driving all over hell to take care of my animals that are scattered in foster homes because I can't have them here. I'm tired of the lack of quality time Marcus and I have together due to our stupid jobs (ever since our company "upgraded" the plant manager software, he spends almost every waking moment fixing that stupid crap). I'm tired of not having the funds to get my car fixed. I'm tired of not having room to cook or bake. I'm tired of not being able to prepare meals, because I usually end up eating alone anyway because something at work is broken. I'm tired of the creepy, legally-blind lady that is always sitting outside on her balcony because she has to smoke and always wants to chat. There's more, but man...that is enough for now.

We're going to start moving some of our stuff up to the house in South Dakota next week. I've got to figure out how to follow soon thereafter. Marcus keeps reminding me that I have a "Large Toolbox" and that I need to use it. I know he's right, I just need to quit being afraid and do something. I feel so peaceful and at ease up there. I do feel like I've come home when I'm there. I also ordered a juicer (should be here Monday) and I'm getting serious about getting this extra weight off. Mom died early because she didn't take care of herself. I had a sobering thought last week as my supervisor was telling me about how the women in her family live long. If I lived as long as my mother, I'd only have a little over 5 years left on this planet. I'm not going to let that happen.

I think my highest weight was around 315 pounds. I'm not quite sure as I was in one of the big depression bouts similar to what I just experienced, but I do remember a 315 on the scale at one point. If that's the case, between the change in my diet to as many unprocessed and organic foods as possible and having a dog to walk, I'm down 55 pounds. I keep thinking that i was basically carrying around a 50 lb flour sack like I used to sling at the pizza place every day on my poor body every day. What sucks is I'm still dragging around a little over 2 more of those. I'm amazed at how much better I feel now than I did a couple of years ago. I can't wait to see how much better I feel when I've dropped a couple of more flour sacks. That's another reason I want to get up to South Dakota. That Mickelson Trail that Marcus rides is 109 miles - lots for me and T to explore.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. Hopefully the next few weeks will bring about major changes. I'm so ready to move onto a new chapter in my life.

*sigh* I wish this weekend had been as productive as last weekend. There is just not enough time away from work.

Marcus and I finished up the Thanksgiving shopping this evening. We picked up the natural free-range turkey that we ordered earlier from Sunflower Market. Can't wait to see how that turns out. I spent the earlier part of the day at a knitting gathering at my friend's house down in Castle Rock. I got the body of the amigurumi turkey I'm making finished, as well as several rows of a holiday bag I'm knitting. I brought one of my cheesecakes to share and I was quite happy with how it turned out. I'll post pics tomorrow after I get them off of my camera.

Marcus and I actually relaxed this evening and finally watched Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. He downloaded that from iTunes a couple of weeks ago and we hadn't had a chance to watch it. I'll admit that I missed Orlando Bloom's character just a little.

The olive leaf extract that I wrote about yesterday seems to be doing the trick. I felt so much better today. Still coughing up a little crud out of my lungs, but at least I didn't feel like sleeping all danged day.

OK, I'm off to dig through my stash to find orange yarn for my turkey and then I'm off to bed.